for the record:

yes, i did receive the building plan packet in the mail.

yes, i am opposed to it on multiple levels.

yes, i am open to talking about it because standing in front of the church with a sign that voices my opposition seems a bit harsh (but that was the first thing that came to mind).

from another bearded man

As it turns out, I'm definitely not the first person to be upset with the insitutional church...

"Let the church stop its work of hypnotizing the masses, and deceiving children even for the briefest interval of time, and men would begin to understand Christ's teaching. But this understanding will be the end of the churches and all their influence. And therefore churches will not for an instant relax their zeal in the business of hypnotizing grown-up people and deceiving children. This, then, is the work of the churches: to instill a false interpretation of Christ's teaching into men, and to prevent a true interpretation of it for the majority of so-called believers."

Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You

Lots of places to go after that... but I'll wait and see what you have to say. Comments welcome.

i think in images / image that came to mind during & after tonight's conversation:

we'll call it "so much more"


amidst chaos.

i've found a door.
(ordiditfindme?)
scarlett in colour.
hinges of gold.
arched along the top.
(atleastithinkthisisup)
six portions provide definition.
round gold handle.
a.
black.
hole.
for a key?

i can stare all i like.
or don't like.
poke and ponder.
learn / hypothesize.
but until the key,
that single key...
the world behind be
unaddressed...

"hey, remember when..." insert blank face

what does a person do when they have no recollection of their previous self or identity? is one the same or different? who are we really? what makes us who we are? crazy questions to see played out in 'real life.'

unkown white male chronicles a man who finds himself on a train in NYC, with no idea who he was/is. this true story follows him as he pieces his life back together.

the "unknown white male" as he was dubbed at the hospital comes to understand that his name is doug. the person he once was seems to have drifted away and he has little desire to find the "old doug" again. friends? family? he knows he's related to his family, but there are no memories of them. finding out his mom has died comes a shock, accompanied by tears. as for his friends, when the semantic field of 'friendship' (ie - the various quotes, inside jokes, commonalities that build up over the years) is taken away, are you still friends? doug's life-altering memory loss created a radically different person than who he had been before. his old friends and family didn't see the "old doug" and he didn't remember anything that made them his best friends. surreal.

the movie made me think about many topics, not the least of which was/is - spiritual identity (not explored in the movie). what would my 'spirituality' be like if i didn't remember that "personal confession" from my baptist upbringing? or that time on the beach worshipping with the moon? or that summer when i learned joy in Christ wins over depression? if my identity (which i couldn't remember) is in Christ, would i still be a child of God? yes, i believe i would. but would i know or understand what that meant? or - would i get a fresh look at all religions and be forced to re-evaluate since i wouldn't remember the hardships and grace that brought me to God in the first place. or would it be simple and my Christlikeness would be an inseperable part of me? crazy. either way, my life would change dramatically. 'salvation' becomes a much bigger process than a simple confession. truly a lived experience that had better mean as much now as it did for the 'old sean.' perhaps that is where we're supposed to live, finding the same God fresh and new everyday, always willing to cast off our old selves, for him. but that wouldn't change the question...

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" ~Chuck Palahniuk

a confession

those who read this blog have become (or continue to be) my closest spiritual friends, confidants, and... confessors. hence this post.

this is the confession of my guilt. i hold myself in contempt many times for all that i'm not doing (and those others that i do), for all that i want to do or be but consistently fall short of. this plagues my mind and soul and creates a spirit that is anything but loving. it is truly a trap that i set for myself. there are those to whom i compare myself and never measure up. this comparison stems from a lack of a sense of self and general insecurity many times (not to mention the depression that creeps in numerous ways when i least expect it). i confess this to be honest with myself, to face my fears and to hopefully move on with my days, happy with and in who God has made me to be.

having a wife who is supportive and with whom i've learned to share myself has helped a great deal, and i think her for that. to you who read, i appreciate your encouragement along the way.

i spent time with friends in new mexico recently. the time was invaluable as a getaway from regular life and be reminded of how we all struggle along the way together. the single phrase that God wanted me to hear that week from his Word:

"the Kingdom of God is within you"

contemplation is a way of ingesting thoughts, words, ideas. as opposed to a simple understanding or studying, these words entered me and are becoming part of me. my time contemplating Kingdom gives me hope that, no matter my personal shortcomings, in every word action or deed i can usher in this eternal vast integrity to which words give little more than a imaginative spark to an all-consuming fire and waterfall called the Kingdom of God.

thank you for loving, for reading.

struggling, ushering -
s

west

i can hardly alone be
in my thoughts
for fear of where they travel,
to what deep silence they bring

solitude, patience, grace:
linger here with me as i go

westward, ho!
gloria