lost in the cosmos? sure.

the restlesness of soul has yet to settle. mel and i have talked about it for about 5 months now. our life feels out of sync... the way our toilet works, but constantly runs for some mysterious reason... the way the car starts everytime and maintains great gas mileage, but it's brakes cycle down slowly - only during cold weather... the way our fake-wood floor looks great, but buckles and bends everytime sometone steps on it... the little things little things that just constantly grind on you, reminding you that something isn't right.


when my latest read came around a year ago, i wasn't quite ready for it. but here i am a year older, and subversive orthodoxy has introduced me to new folks in "simple" ways. a great overview and synthesis of "christians in disguise." greatly enjoyed the author's take on the importance of "Christian" macrohistorical critics. but like a bonus doggie-bag from a buffet...

in this quote, from the conclusion of inchausti's book, do i find some solace:

"The function of the modern apostle, therefore, is to create the silent, contemplative spaces where individuals can experience the truth for themselves.
Technology, modern science, and political activism all run counter to this contemplative tradition, for they cannot comprehend the possibility that it is precisely when one is most successful and in control of one's likfe that one is most likely in the grip of an illusion."

i'm certainly not under any illusions of success, gradeur or control. i have no idea what could happen next week, next month, next year. i thought surely these "certainties" would have played themselves out (at least even a little bit by now), but nope. still feel like God is in control. he has to be because i am most certainly - not.

a final encouraging quote from inchausti,

"In this sense, faith is a cosmos, a psychological and spiritual space for knowing and experiencing God."

On the Monk Who Dwells in Daily Life

The major part of a monk's life is given to a strange "work" = liturgy. The word means "public work or performance." We laypersons think of work as something we do to make a living and stay alive, care for our families, find meaning and achieve a modicum of success. We may justify our lives by it.

The monk gives up this source of meaning and transfers it so "soul work." The work of the monk is liturgy.

We could discover from the example of the monk that there is an odd kind of work that feeds the soul and not necessarily the body. A few moments with a painting, a sunset, a sonata, nothing - might give the soul its sustenance, its meaning, its reason for existence.

Thomas Moore - Meditations

quote has been with me all week. may it be with you this sunday.

anything is possible.

post-civilization?

an awkward term. what does it mean to civilize anyway? according to mrs. haines, my favorite history teacher of all time, it means that you have indoor toilets and running water. dictionary.com says cultural refinement or modern comforts or conviences made possible by science and technology.

so what happens when the "civilized" life causes more death and destruction than "non-civilized" life? when the science steals the wonder in life and technology ruins creative pursuits? when civilized life means nothing more than a struggle for control and power over nature, other men, and society?

peace, hope, creativity, and community die first.

this is where CHILDREN OF MEN begins its tale in 2029. England takes a headfirst dive to hell in a handbasket 18 years ago as people stop having children. The death of the youngest person, a coveted and privledged eighteen year old, sparks a society-wide, depressive panic. in events too eerily similar to tactics used by the US (and oddly enough nazi germany), the homeland security department has shut down borders, shipped "aliens" to gitmo-inspired (poses and all) camps, and wars with anything opposing its regime.

the gritty movie hits close to home, close to the possible woes of our "civilization." the unlikely hero theo (clive owen) shines through the grey tone of this movie as he fosters truth amidst deception, peace before grace, and most of all life over death.

could have wept myself to sleep at the end, but that would be too idyllic. better to just be disturbed by the truth of the image.

sean sits. globe spins.

so often i want something big to happen. to be different. i want the world to change. i want my world to shift into some new reality or atmonsphere that causes the air to feel fresher somehow and the faces within it to be brighter.

but that's not really how the world works. its slowly spins on an axis around a sun that will someday go out. until then, until we're all dead, the world will continue on slowly with some points that earthquake our conscience, place, or worldview. but most of the time, its simply being aware of the simple ways God nudges us along towards fulfilment. the ways he uses the hazy days of frustration and stagnation to create within us a creation-renewing spirit that mimics his own.

so here i sit, a half-month into a new year and relatively nothing has changed in my world. the beard is longer, the ice has melted, the job remains monotonous, the war rages on, the poverty increases, the resources decrease. the globe spins slowly.

i sit, asking: make my will yours. a prayer. to a God. who loves.

and i truly believe that makes all the difference in the spin.

mk 11.15

knock... ___ ___ ____ ____ __ ____