marvin and me

“The time has come the time is now, Marvin K Mooney, you must go now.”

One of the favorite books when I was younger was Marvin K Mooney. Not sure why, but it keeps coming back to me lately. Sometimes its just time to go. There's plenty to question before leaving feels good and right though.

How do you tell the “church” that you’re leaving because the very place you work for keeps you from knowing God better? Is it even possible to begin a conversation about how the perceived success of the church due to its size is really a large part of its impending downfall? At what point do I tell them straight up that I’m at ends with just about everything it does and yet – it pains me to leave because I want so badly to help?

I’ve not covered up my struggles and qualms with my spirituality and evolving Christ-following. This public honesty over a private struggle has lead to several open criticisms of the church. These critiques have not meant to be malicious or harmful to anyone else’s walk. They have merely been an attempt to prove myself not crazy. That my thoughts are in some way normal and others struggle with the same things.

Thus, from my inquisition of the what’s how’s and why’s of my faith and the body of which I help make up (the church), I moved to a period of frustration. What am I supposed to do now that I’ve learned so much and been challenged in ways so profound that I can never go back to the old models of following Christ? From that inner journey, filled with walls and windowless rooms of contemplation, I’ve been lead to a bit of vision. Nothing specific, more just a raw idea of what the new freedom of consciousness could look like. And now: the first part of that transition. A time to ponder; wonder where I am and where I’m headed. Who do I want to be? Where is the Kingdom going to be using me the most effectively? Inside traditional church structures? Outside? Both? I need a break to find out. I need to learn and grow without feeling like questioning everything and constructing my own expressions isn’t frowned upon.

So the question of what next is truly up to God. I don’t know where exactly I’m going but leaving feels solemnly correct. I’ve been in the pool of new thought for quite some time. I’ve been swimming around, trying to keep a float. Now I’m shedding the clothes that have been weighing me down. I want to be free to stretch and dive and splash, to play and burn and swallow water and be okay doing so.

This isn’t easy. It isn’t particularly fun, but it is necessary. Some won’t understand, some won’t care, some will help push me along. No matter where you stand, I’d love to help you understand me and help me understand myself and help me understand you better.

Not too sure if you’re confused or even what this is supposed to be – maybe I accomplished at the very least, conveying my inner conscience, which is a spider web at best. I guess this is a signing off from “church”(institution) for now, but I’m sure more will come…

“… you must go now.”