mcblogington

wow

2010-05-14T14:16:00.002-05:00

this blog represents a definite time of life that lead to where i am now.

i have a child and a coffee shop. both challenge and intrigue me.

rather than write as much as i once did, now i experiment with practical theology.

my family friends and coworkers create a support community that balances me.

pursuing the dream, the grace.

I like blogs

2009-03-02T18:02:00.002-06:00

Facebook has become the favorite new toy. It is just so easy to check in on your friends and see what everyone's status is and read about their favorite book, cheese or embarrassing moment. It is a way to create new arguments, check on a resume, or browse self-indulgent pictures self-indulgently.

At least for some people - not all people. I neither despise folks for using Facebook nor frown upon them...

So what am I saying?

I suppose all that I'm really saying is that I prefer blogs. Something written everyone once in a while that updates and reads and shares in a real way. I suppose I'm saying my introversion leads to this type of communication more than casual conversation and BS lists. Even if my cryptic nature of blogging is more often the result of working through things privately and confessing them.

I suppose I'm saying that I wished I wrote here more. I've never changed my blog's name since its inception. What you find here is a logged path. A step towards who I am becoming that has little do with likes and dislikes or photos or even my personality. It is just me revealing little parts of myself to people who actually know me. If anyone should read this blog, please know that I thank you for being my friend. You are valued and live life with me. You know my story and help me continue to live it.

Facebookers - keep up the good work. As for me and my words, we'll use blogs (sometimes :)

Who knows, maybe I'll even post more than one blog this year. Just have to wait and see.

transfiguration sunday

2008-02-03T23:23:00.001-06:00

climb the high dive

2007-08-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

I can’t sleep tonight wondering what lies ahead…

Pray for doors to open literally into new spaces, new faces, reciprocate God’s graces

Entering into uncharted waters my heart flutters, arms flap, just to keep my head up

And that is enough. Enough for now. Rest may come soon, but not for a while…

a foray into the net again

2007-05-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

A mild intro into summer - thus far.
Tonite Schwarz by mine own hand
I decide to write...

This blog is really a little place to catalogue and organize my thoughts. Thoughts, which have been so befuddled that I've tried to distance myself from analyzing and compounding the menutia of life and just relax myself. A large part of that process has been reading the entire Harry Potter series, which I began just after my last post and finished last week. Yep - all six of them... Truly fun to read and eagerly awaiting the 5th movie and 7th book. Geeky if you haven't read them, wonderful if you have.

A movie, one day.
A bar, one day.
Not everything has to (or will) happen now.

The old CM peeps have been making their way out of the woodwork lately to come to the Thursday night Draught Housing... Somethings are amazing. God works in funny ways and brings people together when they need each other the most. Most of the group is insecure about the "future" (ie - the next job they'll have) and feel out of place, disconnected and lonely. Thus the time at the pub has become a chance to just chill wihout having to be cool or act like you have your shit together. A place where people listen and encourage each other. Who'd have thought that after constant invitations for 2 years, sometimes the unexplainable happens and true friendships fight their way past rocky surfaces, superficiality, and into the light of fresh dew - anticipating the new day.

The coffee shop is easier to handle when I remember to see it as an ensemble cast who wear many distinct faces; faces that develop richer colors and deeper wrinkles and bare more scars and shine brighter everytime I learn something new about the people behind that wear them. Genuine routine has a way of bringing people together. (ask the monastics)

I suppose that's all I want to say for now.

What started as a "Top 5 Jack Bauer Tributes" list...

2007-04-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

Quickly escalated to an all-out Jack Bauer playlist:

Killing the in Name of - Rage Against the Machine
Under Pressure - Queen
Running with the Devil - Van Halen
Carry That Weight - The Beatles
Shot in the Arm - Wilco
Bad - Michael Jackson
What the World Needs Now is Love - Burt Bacharach
Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
I Shot a Man in Reno Just to Watch Him Die - Johnny Cash
Anything for Love - Meatloaf
Blowin' in the Wind - Bob Dylan
Loner - Neil Young

Good Friday and other (smaller) ridiculous things

2007-04-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

today the garbage man snickered at me. yes, there are garbage men. so no i'm not using that term in a derogatory way. it is simply one example of the many stares, smirks and smiles that i get while mowing the lawn.

yes, i use an old-school rotary mower. yes, i'm fine with that. no, it isn't easy. but i do it out of ethos far more than enjoyment. as i mow and contemplate the ridiculousness of this choice to enjoy the toil of using a technologically ancient tool, i'm often reminded of the poet, farmer, critic, and hopeful Christian philospher - wendell berry. of course my life on so many levels is far too "sophisticated" to even associate myself with mr. berry in practice, but at least my thoughts and sentiments are with him as he stands (many times alone) for local, economy and sensible harmony with nature over and against the socio-technological infrastructure of America's economy.

so with my rickety, head-turning lawnmower - today I salute mr. berry as he practices the way of Jesus:

"We learn from our gardens to deal with the most urgent question of the time: How much is enough?"

"If you grow a garden you are going to shed some sweat, and you are going to spend some time bent over; you will experience some aches and pains. But it is in the willingness to accept this discomfort that we strike the most telling blow against the power plants and what they represent."

"Every day do something that won't compute. Love the Lord. Love the world. Work for nothing...Love someone who doesn't deserve it...Plant sequoias...Practice resurrection."

Amen. Practice resurrection!

"Supply Side Jesus"

2007-03-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

Seeing as I work Sunday thru Wednesday mornings and into the afternoons, do most of the ordering, as well as gain & retain many customers, many people ask (and lots of the time assume) that I am the owner of the coffee shop. Quite often I think to myself that I should be. That the only thing that is keeping me from owning my own shop is capital. Then my mind ventures off into what I would do with riches were I given them. How my shop would be different. How my life would be different. How I could help people simply by giving all my money away. How I would do exactly what I want to do.

A line from a Psalm 49 (link to whole Psalm in title) stuck out to me one morning several weeks ago. I didn't remember it exactly, but this is what stuck and it certainly jives with the OT, NT & JC: don't focus your eyes on wealth or those who possess it.

Then I realize that I have "enough." I have more than enough, really. I don't go hungry. I sleep well. I have friends and family. I make much less money than most (in America) and much more than most (in the rest of the world). I certainly have enough. But yet, "Enough" is a word very rarely used anymore, by me or anyone else for that matter.

"Enough" about me... here's an intriguing parable from Al Franken.

"I can gather all the news I need on the weather report"

2007-03-08T10:48:00.000-06:00

When I went out early to retrieve the coffee shop’s lot of daily papers, the Tuesday Times did not have stories about the President’s assassination or the covert operations in the White House, nor was there any coverage of the nukes that had gone off on the east coast.

I think I officially got lost somewhere in 24-ville this week. It isn’t that the show is especially better this year than other seasons or that I’m even as into it as I have been previously. Rather I think that the events described and government’s way of handling them are very close to those of our current situation. Both the very real possibility of attack at any moment and our government’s ability to mask truth and frame whomever it sees fit (mostly those regions who would benefit us economically) make this season the most “real” 24 ever. In a sad masochistic cycle for a man who wants to “die for something,” Jack is shaping up to be an intriguing character, who loves to make up for his sins and those of his family by inflicting massive amounts of emotional and physical pain upon himself and others.

In other “news” –

A dog has come into our life just long enough for us to realize we don’t need/want one right now. Adios, Rico - You'll be greatly missed.

Nouwen reframes hospitality...

2007-02-27T16:57:00.000-06:00

"Once we have become poor, we can be a good host. It is indeed the paradox of hospitality that poverty makes a good host. Poverty is the inner disposition that allows us to take away our defenses and convert our enemies into friends... since we have nothing to lose but all to give."

-reading from the first Monday of Lent

Congrats, Marty!

2007-02-25T23:29:00.000-06:00

Regarding Lent (in direct opposition and no correlation to Regarding Henry)

2007-02-20T15:17:00.000-06:00

Though it snuck up on me, I'm excited about Lent this year. Lent requires taken stock in oneself, realizing some bad habits, and making a change. Seems simple enough.

Mel and I have decided to give "up" eating out for Lent. We'll be cooking at home or dining with others at their residences. Since everything it seems has a caveat, this restriction excludes (this is how lawyers talk - I'm feeling the Pharisaic double speak already) coffee and beer at the local shop or pub, but includes a bagel or pastry. Watch out!

So in addition to giving something up, I'm giving something "down." Whatever the term is, I'll be attempting to read for one hour a day, everyday of Lent. This may be easy for some of you, but this will be a great discipline for me since I have the tendency to read only on certain days of the week (like my days off). The picture is some of the books I'm hoping to knock out.

As a house we'll be reading a walk through Lent with Henri Nouwen book together in the evenings. Now that I'm finally geared up, the challenges and freshness of this communal Christian season excite me greatly.

Transfiguration Sunday!

2007-02-18T21:28:00.000-06:00

Transfiguration, by Sufjan Stevens - well worth the download.

not sure what this really means

2007-02-08T16:35:00.000-06:00

taken yesterday. the school across from my house.

Rent: Lost Boys of Sudan

2007-02-08T09:03:00.000-06:00

An entire generation left motherless and sisterless. Displaced by war and twelve years later, the 20,000 Dinka’s who’ve been living in refugee camps are “officially” known as the Lost Boys.

Watch the documentary about how they are once again displaced in the strange, “government assisted” culture of America. The film surveys the Lost Boys’ plight and the cost of “freedom” while remaining objective and endearing.

To the documentarian’s credit, succinct storytelling and editing only give the narrative more power. Strongly recommended.

(no, I haven't seen this movie revisited in its new derivation, God Grew Tired of Us - in theaters now)

lost in the cosmos? sure.

2007-01-30T22:12:00.000-06:00

the restlesness of soul has yet to settle. mel and i have talked about it for about 5 months now. our life feels out of sync... the way our toilet works, but constantly runs for some mysterious reason... the way the car starts everytime and maintains great gas mileage, but it's brakes cycle down slowly - only during cold weather... the way our fake-wood floor looks great, but buckles and bends everytime sometone steps on it... the little things little things that just constantly grind on you, reminding you that something isn't right.

when my latest read came around a year ago, i wasn't quite ready for it. but here i am a year older, and subversive orthodoxy has introduced me to new folks in "simple" ways. a great overview and synthesis of "christians in disguise." greatly enjoyed the author's take on the importance of "Christian" macrohistorical critics. but like a bonus doggie-bag from a buffet...

in this quote, from the conclusion of inchausti's book, do i find some solace:

"The function of the modern apostle, therefore, is to create the silent, contemplative spaces where individuals can experience the truth for themselves.
Technology, modern science, and political activism all run counter to this contemplative tradition, for they cannot comprehend the possibility that it is precisely when one is most successful and in control of one's likfe that one is most likely in the grip of an illusion."

i'm certainly not under any illusions of success, gradeur or control. i have no idea what could happen next week, next month, next year. i thought surely these "certainties" would have played themselves out (at least even a little bit by now), but nope. still feel like God is in control. he has to be because i am most certainly - not.

a final encouraging quote from inchausti,

"In this sense, faith is a cosmos, a psychological and spiritual space for knowing and experiencing God."

On the Monk Who Dwells in Daily Life

2007-01-28T06:34:00.000-06:00

The major part of a monk's life is given to a strange "work" = liturgy. The word means "public work or performance." We laypersons think of work as something we do to make a living and stay alive, care for our families, find meaning and achieve a modicum of success. We may justify our lives by it.

The monk gives up this source of meaning and transfers it so "soul work." The work of the monk is liturgy.

We could discover from the example of the monk that there is an odd kind of work that feeds the soul and not necessarily the body. A few moments with a painting, a sunset, a sonata, nothing - might give the soul its sustenance, its meaning, its reason for existence.

Thomas Moore - Meditations

quote has been with me all week. may it be with you this sunday.

anything is possible.

2007-01-25T10:06:00.000-06:00

post-civilization?

an awkward term. what does it mean to civilize anyway? according to mrs. haines, my favorite history teacher of all time, it means that you have indoor toilets and running water. dictionary.com says cultural refinement or modern comforts or conviences made possible by science and technology.

so what happens when the "civilized" life causes more death and destruction than "non-civilized" life? when the science steals the wonder in life and technology ruins creative pursuits? when civilized life means nothing more than a struggle for control and power over nature, other men, and society?

peace, hope, creativity, and community die first.

this is where CHILDREN OF MEN begins its tale in 2029. England takes a headfirst dive to hell in a handbasket 18 years ago as people stop having children. The death of the youngest person, a coveted and privledged eighteen year old, sparks a society-wide, depressive panic. in events too eerily similar to tactics used by the US (and oddly enough nazi germany), the homeland security department has shut down borders, shipped "aliens" to gitmo-inspired (poses and all) camps, and wars with anything opposing its regime.

the gritty movie hits close to home, close to the possible woes of our "civilization." the unlikely hero theo (clive owen) shines through the grey tone of this movie as he fosters truth amidst deception, peace before grace, and most of all life over death.

could have wept myself to sleep at the end, but that would be too idyllic. better to just be disturbed by the truth of the image.

sean sits. globe spins.

2007-01-18T10:37:00.000-06:00

so often i want something big to happen. to be different. i want the world to change. i want my world to shift into some new reality or atmonsphere that causes the air to feel fresher somehow and the faces within it to be brighter.

but that's not really how the world works. its slowly spins on an axis around a sun that will someday go out. until then, until we're all dead, the world will continue on slowly with some points that earthquake our conscience, place, or worldview. but most of the time, its simply being aware of the simple ways God nudges us along towards fulfilment. the ways he uses the hazy days of frustration and stagnation to create within us a creation-renewing spirit that mimics his own.

so here i sit, a half-month into a new year and relatively nothing has changed in my world. the beard is longer, the ice has melted, the job remains monotonous, the war rages on, the poverty increases, the resources decrease. the globe spins slowly.

i sit, asking: make my will yours. a prayer. to a God. who loves.

and i truly believe that makes all the difference in the spin.

mk 11.15

2007-01-09T16:02:00.000-06:00

knock... _ _ __

2007-01-09T15:59:00.000-06:00

mozart's morn

2006-12-15T08:59:00.000-06:00

its friday again. i've been working and sleeping and joking all week. i have aon a shirt that says "hope" and somehow the way this cloud rests on austin is a peaceful reminder to stop and be still, to enjoy.

this poem is perhaps a good return to blogging and mimics some restless feelings that have been churning for quite some time. i wish i had a camera to capture my soul, but these words must suffice... a poem with the same name as this post:

There is no horizon
Simply a gray,
A mirrored reflection

Four together and three in line
The ducks aimlessly
Wandering, paddling
To no where
Lost in the gray

But they know no better
Have to be – no where

A bead of pearls
The dew rests
On spider’s web
Strung out and broken
A beautiful mess

Catching & shining

The sourceless light
That creates this
Gray

I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass

2006-11-26T17:26:00.000-06:00

is the new Yo La Tengo album. Loud. That's how it needs to be listened to... and how I'm listening to it currently.

Worth your listen as well. Reviews of albums are useless (at least for the most part). Music hits everyone differently. I mean, we can all agree on a truly terrible record, but for the most part, someone else might hate this - someone else might think it genius. I think its good. Damn good. I enjoy it. I like it loud. I like to sit and stare out my window. I like to let my mind wander down a path from which it will soon return. I like my currently dripping wet beard and the smell of myself from a fresh shower that somehow seems to mimic the repetitive lyrical quality of these new tunes. i like anticipating advent which is in itself anticpation. i like coffee black. I like to curl my toes into what others have called feet fists. i like thinking of you reading these words and wondering if i've ever done drugs or at least high on cough syrup. i like my wife's surprised face as she comes in to turn the music down. i like that writing this is tickling the part of my brain directly next to the small part that enjoys solving an algebra problem. i like... this as the 199th post as the mcblogington. wasted time? i think not. ok.

(1st song of 15 now over).

thanksgiving '06

2006-11-23T08:50:00.000-06:00

Of course I'm thankful this year. Much has happened: marriage, house, jobs, insurance. But that's just the American stuff. I'm pleased with who God is creating me to be. Thankful for the people and ideas and wonderful blessings - both "good" and "bad" - that he has put in my life this year. I feel older and stronger and younger and smaller all at the same time.

I enjoyed this re-telling of the "First Thanksgiving" story today. It adds the historical truth to the mythic white American TG. Hope you take the time to read it.

Enjoy relationships today. Eat til you're full. Remember the farmers who made it possible for you to eat with your family and friends!

[thoughts spurred from recent conversations, Tolstoy & Brueggemann]

2006-11-16T10:26:00.000-06:00

In reference to the way of non-violence:

1) one must make a commitment to the Kingdom of Peace
2) one must make a commitment to creation (thus, fellow man)
3) one must deny the power of the state

These are the big places to begin. For many, there remains an unwillingness to throw out most if not all personal and cultural baggage when attempting to fashion a new way of life. One must leave something to follow something (or someone). Though it is not always easy, especially when those people or that institution has played such a huge part in one’s experience and validated his/her milieu; one must be prepared leave the dead to bury the dead.

Only in disorientation can we create a new communal re-orientation.

well chris, i had a dream regarding the intricacies of time travel in hawaii last night...

2006-11-16T10:16:00.000-06:00

In my head on my way to the superb coffeshop EPOCH today:

"I wonder if they'll play Tacks, the Boy Disaster?"

Well, 'it cost [me] five dollars or less' and indeed my premonition fufilled by those familiar tunes as I 'laughed like little children' to myself.

the 5 am blues

2006-11-14T05:45:00.000-06:00

about to go to work. don't really want to. lord - please provide. amen.

loose thoughts after an election, conceptions of life, and Tolstoy (who is ridiculously over-quoteable)

2006-11-11T13:41:00.003-06:00

I have friends who take great solace in the recent Democratic victories in both the House and Senate. They are excited by the possibilities of change and hopeful for a counter to the works of “Dubya.” I have friends who hope that the Republicans will continue to “support our troops” by giving more money for war and see the Dem’s as a threat to “peaceful resolution.” I have friends for whom burning flags and renouncing governments would usher in the freedom through anarchy that seems to be the only alternative to “oppressive governments.”

I have friends who ask my opinion on the subject (sort of – really they just want to know if I agree with them or not, and most of the time they just want more time to argue their side), and I am truly speechless because truly I support no such regimes of “truth.” I feel little obligation or inclination to a specific party or ideal, at least as proposed by either “majority.”

I have friends who fall in a severe minority of folks who see government as neither something to be opposed or supported. Friends who view themselves outside of governments. Friends who view themselves as participants in a Kingdom that is not relegated to a particular territory or ideal. Friends who view themselves as brothers and sisters rather than us and them. Friends who view politics, religion, psychology, economics, history, ecology, failure, authority, dinosaurs and computers as parts of a world we’re waiting upon for completion. These friends are struggling with me to compose life outside of popular thinking and ostracized visions. These friends are few and far between but comprise a little community that creates and embodies hope amidst confusing pain.

I have friends. (period) The Kingdom of God is Within Us. (period)

the gospel according to borat

2006-11-04T12:36:00.000-06:00

Who knew a fake-Khazakstanian reporter could reveal so much about America? Borat’s antics remain uncontrollably funny while reaching deep within America to pull out gut-wrenching commentary. Racism, bigotry, hate, obsession, & greed have never been funnier as indictments against the very people who ‘uphold’ freedom, etiquette, politics, and religion. True comedic genius that makes a discerning audience both shudder in awe and shake in laughter at the ridiculous obtuseness of the characters.

I also finished Buechner’s The Gospel and Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale today. A good concept for framing the totality of the concept of the Gospel, but the book lost my attention here and there.

Borat’s movie really brought out the tragedy of America as a fantastic comedy. The entire surrealistic journey seemed very much like a modern fairy-tale or fable. In the end, the whole thing rounded out for me the multi-dimensional quality of truth. Borat the preacher? Well, probably not (he's Jewish)– but at least a really funny prophetic voice.

i don't think i turn corners, i just go round the turntable

2006-11-02T20:13:00.000-06:00

well, i have been jobless for a while now. tomorrow i train for my new job at thunderbird coffee that opens on monday morning. i'll be there (notso) bright and early at 5:45am. should be cool, but as with any period of unemployment, freedom is nice and going back to work is a bit difficult. but i'm sure it will be good for me (and me wife).

thanks to this wonderful man, a website should be finished here soon: clamness creations. (yes clamness, not calmness) hopefully clamness will be a place to simply create. whether that creation be narrative or documentary or writing, who knows; but i'm feeling the energy again (after being 'burnt' out and ready to learn more about myself and my world after college). clamness sprang out of a quote from dorothy sayers... she says that some people have sneeringly said that if a clam were to invision a god, that that god would look like a clam because that's all that clams are capable of. similarly the same is true with humans - we envision god as a man. taken from the opposite direction, if god wants to reveal himself to clams the only way he can do it fully is by becoming perfect in 'clamhood' or - clamness. the idea is that the creation reflects the creator. thus, anything i create should reflect well on me and on my creator. the imagery inspired me, but i'm not sure if i've explained it too well :)

as a bonus - i create because in god's image, i was created to create as god does. i am not god, but participate with him in the creation of his kingdom daily in word and deed, thought and action - opening up the kingdom within me, uniting and sharing with my world. create. obey. creation as sacrament.

not sure what to do with this

2006-11-01T22:58:00.000-06:00

why we fight

why do these movies give me so much trouble?

greg knew i would like this movie and had been wanting me to see it for a while. though i feel totally at odds as to what (if anything) to do with it, i recommend it to all.

for the record:

2006-10-27T17:38:00.000-05:00

yes, i did receive the building plan packet in the mail.

yes, i am opposed to it on multiple levels.

yes, i am open to talking about it because standing in front of the church with a sign that voices my opposition seems a bit harsh (but that was the first thing that came to mind).

from another bearded man

2006-10-26T13:14:00.000-05:00

As it turns out, I'm definitely not the first person to be upset with the insitutional church...

"Let the church stop its work of hypnotizing the masses, and deceiving children even for the briefest interval of time, and men would begin to understand Christ's teaching. But this understanding will be the end of the churches and all their influence. And therefore churches will not for an instant relax their zeal in the business of hypnotizing grown-up people and deceiving children. This, then, is the work of the churches: to instill a false interpretation of Christ's teaching into men, and to prevent a true interpretation of it for the majority of so-called believers."

Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You

Lots of places to go after that... but I'll wait and see what you have to say. Comments welcome.

i think in images / image that came to mind during & after tonight's conversation:

2006-10-25T00:43:00.000-05:00

we'll call it "so much more"

amidst chaos.

i've found a door.
(ordiditfindme?)
scarlett in colour.
hinges of gold.
arched along the top.
(atleastithinkthisisup)
six portions provide definition.
round gold handle.
a.
black.
hole.
for a key?

i can stare all i like.
or don't like.
poke and ponder.
learn / hypothesize.
but until the key,
that single key...
the world behind be
unaddressed...

"hey, remember when..." insert blank face

2006-10-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

what does a person do when they have no recollection of their previous self or identity? is one the same or different? who are we really? what makes us who we are? crazy questions to see played out in 'real life.'

unkown white male chronicles a man who finds himself on a train in NYC, with no idea who he was/is. this true story follows him as he pieces his life back together.

the "unknown white male" as he was dubbed at the hospital comes to understand that his name is doug. the person he once was seems to have drifted away and he has little desire to find the "old doug" again. friends? family? he knows he's related to his family, but there are no memories of them. finding out his mom has died comes a shock, accompanied by tears. as for his friends, when the semantic field of 'friendship' (ie - the various quotes, inside jokes, commonalities that build up over the years) is taken away, are you still friends? doug's life-altering memory loss created a radically different person than who he had been before. his old friends and family didn't see the "old doug" and he didn't remember anything that made them his best friends. surreal.

the movie made me think about many topics, not the least of which was/is - spiritual identity (not explored in the movie). what would my 'spirituality' be like if i didn't remember that "personal confession" from my baptist upbringing? or that time on the beach worshipping with the moon? or that summer when i learned joy in Christ wins over depression? if my identity (which i couldn't remember) is in Christ, would i still be a child of God? yes, i believe i would. but would i know or understand what that meant? or - would i get a fresh look at all religions and be forced to re-evaluate since i wouldn't remember the hardships and grace that brought me to God in the first place. or would it be simple and my Christlikeness would be an inseperable part of me? crazy. either way, my life would change dramatically. 'salvation' becomes a much bigger process than a simple confession. truly a lived experience that had better mean as much now as it did for the 'old sean.' perhaps that is where we're supposed to live, finding the same God fresh and new everyday, always willing to cast off our old selves, for him. but that wouldn't change the question...

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" ~Chuck Palahniuk

a confession

2006-10-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

those who read this blog have become (or continue to be) my closest spiritual friends, confidants, and... confessors. hence this post.

this is the confession of my guilt. i hold myself in contempt many times for all that i'm not doing (and those others that i do), for all that i want to do or be but consistently fall short of. this plagues my mind and soul and creates a spirit that is anything but loving. it is truly a trap that i set for myself. there are those to whom i compare myself and never measure up. this comparison stems from a lack of a sense of self and general insecurity many times (not to mention the depression that creeps in numerous ways when i least expect it). i confess this to be honest with myself, to face my fears and to hopefully move on with my days, happy with and in who God has made me to be.

having a wife who is supportive and with whom i've learned to share myself has helped a great deal, and i think her for that. to you who read, i appreciate your encouragement along the way.

i spent time with friends in new mexico recently. the time was invaluable as a getaway from regular life and be reminded of how we all struggle along the way together. the single phrase that God wanted me to hear that week from his Word:

"the Kingdom of God is within you"

contemplation is a way of ingesting thoughts, words, ideas. as opposed to a simple understanding or studying, these words entered me and are becoming part of me. my time contemplating Kingdom gives me hope that, no matter my personal shortcomings, in every word action or deed i can usher in this eternal vast integrity to which words give little more than a imaginative spark to an all-consuming fire and waterfall called the Kingdom of God.

thank you for loving, for reading.

struggling, ushering -
s

west

2006-10-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

i can hardly alone be
in my thoughts
for fear of where they travel,
to what deep silence they bring

solitude, patience, grace:
linger here with me as i go

westward, ho!
gloria

2006-09-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

Stella RoJo is here.

everybody loves a montage

2006-09-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

just began The Monk Downstairs this past weekend. found it at book people in the discount section. though not my typical read, tis spurring on more thoughts/ themes for a screenplay i'm working on. enjoying it, review to come.

my friend shawn irwin had a great inaugural austin show last week. i'm still waiting for him to get the organ here so he'll play a couple of my persoanl fav's "sour patch" and "skeleton key" for everyone.

more to come (including a new blog) regarding this ;)

why does everyone ask what we do? i have a job, but this is really some of what i've been up to:

2006-09-20T07:11:00.000-05:00

i simply haven't had the desire to blog lately. seems like my life is just more of the same... so here i go.

one of the largest answers to prayer lately has been the "book club" (aka - the no-book book club). i've wanted to be a part of something like this for a while. its exciting when people from all walks of life genuinely want to holistically look at their spiritual life. mark thames said you can begin anywhere and end up at Jesus. and that's what happened. we began with a book that barely mentioned Jesus, but after numerous philosophies and histories Jesus became the most compelling person/life/way to learn about. mel and i have watched the Jesus of the Gospels permeate the thoughts and feelings of our friends. we just happen to be there to tie some loose ends up for people. our little group is meeting tonight. pray for the Spirit's power and guidance as we may see some new faces and begin new books.

if anyone knows some good website people, i'd love to get their info. i'm still trying to get my personal film site off the ground so i can get more work for myself as -
clamness creations.

a five gallon glass carboy ferments in my fridge. we're brewing a schwarzbier for october. this is a german black lager that will be similar to a porter but with a smoother body. hopefully.

got netflix. watched the first documentary ever made nanook of the north. amazing that a little eskimo can kill giant polar bears with his bear hands (not shown though). he also catches a large seal and has a clown canoe. a must see for every old canadian wildlife black and white with no natural audio documentary fan.

mowed the entire yard with the push mower last friday. yes, the grass was mostly dead, but it is a start. i'd only been able to get through half the yard up til then. my neighbors and everyone else think i'm crazy. i found it fiarly delightful to push and pull and meditate on work. pulled lots of weeds. yard looks nice - now that we got some rain, hopefully the grass will grow. looking forward to looking like a fool again this friday...

living.

fans: not the cooling off sort

2006-09-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

it continually amazes me what i write on this site. there are times when i look back thinking - what the heck did i just write? or man i sound so stupid.

but o well. this blog isn't me - its simply a website. that being said. here's another post...

watched ut lose yesterday. it was my junior year that i chose to stop caring so much about sports after we lost (for the third time in a row) to ou in the red river shootout. i was furious for some reason. not that i played. i just didn't want to lose to the stinkin' sooners. but - why does it matter? why should it ruin my day that i watched other people lose a football game? exactly. it shouldn't. so when ut lost last night, probably crushing its national championship hopes - it didn't bother me at all.

earlier in the morning, mel and i met charles and suzanne and their little one liesl at the pub to watch the english premier league. though it is some good soccer, i don't really know how involved i can be because i simply don't want to get wrapped up in something that i have absolutely no power to change or even effect. but somehow this is all remarkably fun...

fans filled the parking lots days prior to the football game this saturday for tailgating. what a phenomenon. yes, it is an excuse to drink copious amounts of beer, but man - if you lose - is that not a horribly wasted 72-96 hours of your life. and that doesn't even count how upset you are at losing. okay - maybe you don't get as upset at losing as someone else, but man - your hardcoreness is maintained as superfan #99 over here.

silly i suppose. my thoughts, others' obsessions. we're all just fans. its fun to be a fan of a team, a band, a university...

the language of fan v. followers came into conversation several weeks ago. a follower seems to imply some sort of ethos versus simple fan-atic-ship. i know a lot of people who seem to be fans of jesus. the like the bumper stickers and shirts that transform a cross into a cartoon or icon. and books and bible studies and church friends who are all into the same "team" they are. and if you're not, you must simply be a fan of the "other team" and in need of conversion. but followers... seems much more difficult to be a real follower. someone who follows the "team" to the end. who literally lives and dies by the order of the one followed. following is serious business. following looks past personal thoughts and feelings and stares directly into the eyes and heart of the one followed.

following requires denial of oneself. fan-ship requires simple loyalty.

sports fans are not bad. that isn't even the real point. i just wish the people calling themselves christians would follow jesus with even half the effort devoted to their team loyalties.

followers of jesus lose themselves in him.
fans of jesus lose the world... and keep looking back.

waking

2006-09-07T07:38:00.000-05:00

woke up this morn feeling refreshed. it just so happened to be 5:30am. so i got up and tried to put thoughts on paper.

it seems that to truly create something good (ie - others might care to see it), i gotta find my voice. i'm faily sure i could make the same movie in about 4 different ways. this is difficult. how's does one whittle these ideas and characters into a story that someone else might actually care about?

wes anderson, pt anderson, martin scorsese, christopher guest, steven spielberg, brian depalma, matt mccormick... and so many others who all find a voice that connects with some people (not all people).

so - i'm taking voice lessons. this could be harsh... i don't want to go to work... ever again.

the widening gap.

2006-09-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

this week paul shared his thoughts on suffering and poverty in america as contrasted with the utter disaster and hopelessness in the refugee camps in uganda.

amnesty was granted to the rebel leaders this week and the government has offered $330M to help the 2M, twenty-year long refugees be able to "feed themselves." this comes out to freedom for some and $165 each for others.

mobile-exxon's ceo made $190K/day in 2005.

poverty/amnesty/forgiveness/wealth.

don't have any real insight. just thinking/praying about these things this morning.

i got stuff to pray.

2006-08-27T17:38:00.000-05:00

i want to know what's next.

i want to stop the hex - between races.

i want to share.

i want to create a place, a space where people eat and drink and come and grow as ideas flow while a simple creativity reigns.

i want to make an image move like the imagination flows.

i want to read.

i want to be alone.

i want to love.

i want to give up.

i want to lead/follow saints/martyrs off the cliff.

i want to be.

for now i ask and need, for grace my eyes to see... without the i.

guess which one is me.

2006-08-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

a little YouTube of yours truly from the college and church-going days.

(always watch what's in the background;)

sometimes its hard to know what to blog...

2006-08-22T18:16:00.000-05:00

that's worth other people reading. so this link will have to do:

"i carry an iron pipe with me"

i think we should jump on this story before disney does!

"i am ready for, i am ready for something to change." - alex dupree

2006-08-16T07:12:00.000-05:00

in the month since my last post...

- we enjoyed playing host to a variety of family for about 2 weeks
- we went on a weekend excursion to mason
- we drank 10 year old wine for the feast of st. clare
- mel is not doing smart start in the fall but volunteering with 21st century
- i do not want to work at cm
- my unrest has been growing as we gear up for the school year

that doesn't really bring us up to date, but this quote from catholic activist ammon hennacy begins shane claiborne's book:

“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.”

this is not the time for a review, but after fully enjoying the first 112 pages in a single sitting (not hard - big print), i'm at a crossroads that requires some reflection and certainly requires response. his book is inspiring.

sometimes the words of the saints pull the strings of our hearts in tune with God's desires.

i feel like that is happening now, though i'm not fully sure what it means.

please pray for me today, as i am ready for somethings (big things) to change.

green and red and spicy and compelling

2006-07-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

I've always laughed at this establishment. Nothing personal, but I watched the space be four different things before it became Madam Mam's. So when the ugly green and red paint came out a few years ago - it was laughable, at best. Having established themselves as an excellent Thai restaurant in just a few years and after numberable recommendations from reputable sources, I finally made the trek down the drag to dine there with some friends.

Though Thai isn't necessarily my favorite, the food was noodly and spicy, which seems to be the goal of Thai cuisine. The atmostphere laid-back in typical Austin fashion. The company was by far what made the two hour dining experience worth it though.

This was the second meeting of our "No Book Book Club." We discussed Ken Wilbur's amalgam of Eastern and Western thought as it relates to evolution and spirituality. We come from similar middle-class backgrounds (though each with our own baggage), but the conversation remains compelling because we respect one another's views and desire. I mostly asked a lot of questions. Not sure how to synthesize anything yet, but it was abstractly intriguing, nonetheless.

Can't wait til next week.

over the river and through the woods...

2006-07-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

The river’s a dividing line. Going south on Congress, Lamar, or Guadalupe from central Austin; you cross a border. Little did you know this when crossing it. There are no “Welcome to South Austin” signs or visitors centers. But it is a different place. The hippies pretty much “kept Austin weird” there until just recently when the hipsters and businessmen moved in. Yet, the fact remains that though many parts of Austin are cool, the South Austin vibe rings loud and clear when you cross Town Lake.

I felt like Paul this week when I crossed this river and made my way down a small street lined with cars. Little league baseball parks on the north side of the street and little shops and trees on the other. Amongst the trees lies a microbiotic, meditational, schooling hub of mystical activity. This little Zenly manicured, rustic spot undergirds Austin spirituality. Though there’s no specific idol “to an unknown god,” we truly entered an Austin Areopagus. The place was great. It had a wonderfully simplistic and honest feel to it. Nothing seemed trendy or cool. Winding past the Japanese tea hut, playground and various shrubberies, Mel and I made our way to Casa de Luz, the microbiotic restaurant at the back of the property. Ambient lighting and music. Quiet people, chewing their food up to 100 times so as not to disrupt their digestive system. Teal walls and large windows soothing the soul. A little corner of yoga/diet/meditational books.

Beneath one of the large windows, we found our small crowd – the beginnings a book club with some friends at CM. We were certainly the loudest ones in the place, but we had a good time. Though only one guy in the group had read the book (and many other books by the same author), we discussed our future-read together A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilbur. Ken is a New-Age philosopher and mystic who has systematically synthesized the all of the material and spiritual world into a four-part grid. Seems like a natural choice to chat about in the Austinopagus.

After hearing a little bit more about some folks spiritual background, we parted ways. Mel hugged everyone goodbye (I could write more about this wonderful sentiment, but I’ll let her). In a world where what you do is good for you as long as it helps you and where your way can’t be my way, I must admit that I don’t expect to preach as Paul did or even defend the faith as many before me have done. My hope is that Mel and I will be the potent fragrance of the loving Christ amidst a culture “incensed” on the individual spiritual quest.

Looking forward to next week. I’ll let you know how the book develops.

who cares about nightline, this was interesting...

2006-07-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

found these words from stephen colbert on some blogs. thought it was provocative.

you heard any buzz?

Nightline gets it, so why don't "we"

2006-07-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

Arthur Neibur’s Christ and culture had nothing to do with making Jesus a part of culture as much as how Jesus speaks into the culture.

When will Christian’s stop being consumers and start being exiles? When will we make the shift from consuming culture to transforming/critiquing (not simply criticizing) the American bent towards technology as power? Ryan gave an interesting prod at how and why we use tools (like cell phones – which I do own). So I wonder, at what point do America Christians begin to fashion new ways of life as opposed to optioning for “Christian” lifestyles? There seems to be a divide between those “conservative” (read technologically adaptive and morally choosy) Christians and the “liberal” (read eco-friendly and morally choosy) Christians as opposed to a Christ-centered medium that speaks into a culture proclaiming the true Kingdom of God.

Who will redraw the lines and realize that religion is a dime a dozen and Jesus is a marketing campaign (for Christian and non)? Who will reform the current welfare system of free “religion” to any Sunday attender while at the same time offering them the loving Jesus of reconciliation and joy? Who will revolutionize the way people spend their time and money, not by buying Jesus products but by showing people that consumption is not the answer to the American Dream?

Screw it. I’ll do it. I don’t know exactly how, but I’m damn sure not going to buy a Joy to the World ring tone!

On the next Nightline: “Christian Comedian”

Sounds fun.

(and this was written directly after the show. thus it is partially edited raw emotion. thank you.)

been a while since i posted a poem

2006-07-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

On this foot a golden lace
Ties up all loose ends
And makes haste to see
Fragility overlooked

On this foot a strapless sandal
Flops down the monthly calendar
Awaiting the envelopes
Where prizes lie

The servants foot treads trails
Divergent yellow woods
Attempt to break
Stand strong, speak

for my wife, who struggles to maintain footing in different worlds

an essay [read confession] that i didn't intend to write.

2006-07-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

I’m inclined to write an essay entitled why I don’t belong in community.

One that highlights my procrastination, especially where it pertains to yard work, chores and the like… Or my strange obsessions with how certain things are arranged on shelves or walls… Or how I like the pillows to be arranged in a particular way… Or how I walk on the sides closest to the walls of the stairs so as not to wear down (even more) the already worn down carpet in the middle of said stair… Or how any little crack in the house (like the new one where the base board is coming apart from the wall) grinds pulls on my brain like the San Andreas pulls California farther away from America… Or my great lack of cooking prowess that doesn't seem to bother me when I try to boss others around the communal kitchen... not to mention how these little OCD spurts cause my wife to smile at me sweetly no matter what she's really thinking... not to mention how my housemates (past, present and future) simply shake their head at my ridiculousness… and beyond the "small things," my inability to put others feelings and needs before my own, my recurring foot in mouth, my inability to comfront people, my inherently introverted nature, my shoes constantly left lying around, my saying my so much that you're probably sick of it...

Not to mention how many people don’t need to know these little things about me. I mean, I’d rather they didn’t... but they just come out.

Oh well, I suppose I just wrote my "essay" (at least part of it). And it’s for all those reasons that I’m not inclined to live in community that makes me need (and love) it all the more.

a tribute

2006-06-30T08:12:00.000-05:00

Happy Dad!

(photo taken in anticipation of this day; NYC - 02.20.06)

ketchup

2006-06-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

4 films
4 days
3 different Alamos

Monday taught us of how the Jamaican Soundsystem had a great deal to do with spurring on Hip-Hop. Thanks Cool Herc. Then, across the sea to Nigeria where Fela Kuti attempted a tribal/ musical revolution. Quite a character, that genius level that more than borders on insanity. Nonetheless, an interesting film from the year of my birth.

Wednesday. Franciscan monks can be Luchadors. A buddy film with fat and skinny guys with waning accents who save an orphanage. Entertaining, but probably a renter for most. Great sets.

Thurday’s matinee: An Inconvenient Truth. Can’t recommend this film enough. Global warming spoken about in plain terms by a passionate man. Not sensational or overly sentimental. Simply an issue that must be addressed. Side note: Al, I’ll vote for you (again) in ’08.

Perhaps another film this afternoon. Tis nice to feel at least a little caught up.

"...long obedience in the same direction... something which has made life worth living." Nietzsche

2006-06-21T00:22:00.000-05:00

A statement regarding the Oaken vows:

“I heard that, but I don’t really understand it,”

After praying the Celtic morning prayer for two years now, I’m having a deeper understanding of myself and why I need prayer and structure to remind me of God’s faithfulness, both to me and this world. The power of words as the frame for our life’s deeds mirrors the beautiful portrait of the incarnational spirit of the Scriptures – life-breathing words repeated throughout generations.

There’s times like now that I know I won’t want to get up in the morning. I know that lying in bed tomorrow I’ll be forced with the choice of whether or not I want to get up early to pray or just stay asleep.

There’s times like yesterday when I wanted to pray, but knew not what to say… until the scriptures were read. My heart was filled with the imagery of God’s faithfulness to the Israelites in the form of cloud and fire and my prayers followed those images on into the work place.

Perhaps our vows are similar to liturgy. Though the grasp of what it says or why people want to say it (sometimes over and over) may not always be there, the commitment to a discipline of “long obedience in the same direction” continues to lead us despite the lack of personal wherewithal. Though not necessarily easier in community, this commitment gains mass “in the same direction” and propels us along the Way when we’re willing to be in this for good, together.

Sometimes vows can only be lived, not fully understood. Marriage. Christ’s flock. We’re just trying to love one another.

sound - sight - symbol

2006-06-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

Caedmon's Call has resurrected on Mel & my playlist over the last couple of months. The acoustic pop stylings caught my ear at a young age and though I liked the words then, various lines have come to new life. This one in particular resounds in my soul. It's actually a Rich Mullins lyric, sung acapella by CC:

I will sing for the meek
For those who pray with their very lives for peace
Though they're in chains for a higher call
Their mourning will change, into laughter
when the nations fall.

The Western goes down under. I saw the Australian pic The Proposition last Friday. Twas a gritty, small cast on a big dirty canvas with a simple plot. Much like a Clint Eastwood picture, a few characters become increasingly intertwined in a bloody saga that ends abruptly. My favorite theme to emerge from this film and the Western in general revolves around man's hypocrisy - the willingness to both condemn and participate in various stages of evils. Not for everyone, but a good one for the big screen.

Captain Stanley: Now, suppose I told you there was a way to save your little brother Mikey from the noose. Suppose I gave you a horse and a gun. Suppose, Mr. Burns, I was to give both you and your young brother Mikey, here, a pardon. Suppose I said that I could give you the chance to expunge the guilt beneath which you so clearly labour. Suppose I gave you till Christmas. Now, suppose you tell me what it is I want from you.
Charlie Burns: You want me to kill me brother.
Captain Stanley: I want you to kill your brother.

Binding the Strong Man, my current reading on Mark's potrayal of Jesus is slow, convoluted and highly enjoyable. Seeing as I could talk about this book for quite some time (and I've only read 33% of it), I'll just quote this bit regarding Jesus healings and exorcisms found in the first half of Mark:

Obviously any interpretation that stresses the biomedical definition of "wholeness" excludes the physically disabled from the good news. If, however, we focus upon the broader socio-symbolic meaning of illness and healing, the stories address us all equally. After all, in Mark the true impediments to discipleship have nothing to do with phsyical impairment, but with spiritual and idealogical disorders: "Having eyes can you not see? Having ears can you not hear?" (8:18)... the problem is that [interpreters] 'unquestioningly accept biomedicine as the only legitimate view of reality.'

of vows and saints

2006-06-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

Tonight Mel and I will take our Oaken vows. These are commitments we feel it is appropriate to make in front of “The Sacred Trinity and Christ’s flock” (lines from the vows) as a somewhat specific definition of who we are in Christ and how that identity affects our world. The vows stand on the Hebraic imagery of these four legs:

shema - hear and obey
anawim – the lowly or groaning ones
shalom – welcoming, blessing
yobel – horn proclamation of atonement

Both exciting and daunting, in no way do I claim mastery over these areas. I am a mere foal in the flock, looking for the guidance to greener pastures from shepherd and herd, while standing on these fresh legs. This oath represents a almost two year’s worth of challenge and construction as we have planned to build new structures upon foundational beginnings laid (what seems like) long ago.

Part of our vow-taking consists of choosing different “saints” as our “patrons.” We’re doing this that we might feel an increased kinship with and inspiration from the wealth of history found within “Christ’s flock.”

My saint – though not Catholic, dead or recognized in any “official” way – is Bruce Olson. His life’s mission revolved around a call at the age of 19 to go to South America’s Motilone Indian tribe. He was the first non-indigenous person to live among, learn from and eventually help teach the tribe. His patient life allowed for the storytelling (or interpreting), which helped his Indian friends come to know Jesus as a Motilone. Bruchko tells the story in far more intriguing detail.

Hats off to you, Bruchko. Your faith challenges me. Your dedication dares me. Your tender and tangible love overflows like that of Christ. We will more than likely never meet, but know that your life is a fantastic testimony to God’s faithfulness, Christ’s mercy, and the Spirit’s power.

Grace and Peace to you and to the Motilones.

a long week & several writers: i still struggle with depression, but maybe it isn't just me

2006-06-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

Everything is meaningless. Under this hot freakin’ sun, everything is meaningless. The toil of work, the accumulation of stuff, the folly is in full force.

Ecclesiastes seems to describe the way America makes me want to vomit these days. I walk through the mall (what I might refer to now as the jungle) and see tigers made of brand names, poisonous thorns of cheap labor, children running wild in the economy of familial extraction in the name of consumerism.

I don’t know how much more I can take. It weighs on my soul Lord. For some reason, my heart remains heavy for a country I increasingly see as devoid of compassion, integrity, and light - as the black hole of self-indulgent fantasy numbs people into its ever increasing mass.
I don’t know what to do when people say, “whats wrong – you look down.” I’m not trying to be depressed. But simply looking around around at those I know and love just shows on my face because I refuse to hide the emotional toll the country takes on this not-knowing-what-to-do soul. What should I tell these lost creatures of habit whose “unexamined life isn’t worth living?” Since I don’t think they’ll take kindly to my laundry list of Austin-American-Western-Worldwide woes or the fact that a God loves them and sent Jesus as proof, I keep them to myself and try to comment on the weather or their well-groomed appearance.

I don’t know anything else to do besides take in as much as I can bear and attempt a shot at something at least a little bit better. Better than the isolationist sophistication of today’s modern man. Better than the church’s offering plate as a means to an end. Better than the sad excuse for marriage or even love that passes as entertainment. Better than relying on the technology that drives this machine of a country to GDP-bottom-dollared sense. Better than the politic of peace that bombs bring – ring the final bell on freedom, Mr. Bush.

I don’t know what I’m even saying because I’m part of my own disgust. Wrapped up in a house that seeks to be a home for friend, foe and weary traveler alike, I myself am American… but myself I even dislike. The hardest part of being me is perhaps that I’m no freakin’ Trinity and screw up all the time, just like the people who seem so canna-ballistically unruly.

Confession: The soul of this man remains meaningless, aside from God’s peace.

I don’t know what my role in this mess is. I’m burdened, that’s for sure. I’m praying. I’m doing what seems right. But now I just write. Write to help me defeat the worry, at least for this night.

an update

2006-05-27T09:32:00.000-05:00

Please forgive my lack of blogging initiative. It has been a busy month and a half.

For those of you unaware, Mel and I have moved out of the abbey…

At the beginning of April a door was closed that would have sent us to Africa for about half the year. After thinking and praying - questioning ourselves, motives, desires, and passions – we decided we should look into buying a house in East Austin.

East Austin has been the bastard child of Central Texas since the mid-60’s. Segregation was “overcome,” but really it just remained ingrained as the white folks moved west, north and south, relegating the predominantly black population (now increasingly Latino) to the “east side.” In the past few years, the cheap land has led many developers, hipsters, and yuppies to the formally white-flighted region. Which leads us to the present situation. The drive over I-35 marks a transition from downtown to new territory. A culture clash between the “up and coming” and “stop gentrifying.” In either case, we’re a part of it. We are young white kids drawn to the only part of Austin in which we could afford to buy a house.

But we are also moving into the neighborhood, just like Jesus did and asks us to do. We feel called to bring peace, not a sword. To create community, not division. To participate in local economy, not despise it. To be white friends, not enemies. To live and walk among the working poor. To proclaim freedom to those whose imaginations have been taken captive.

We’ve been there almost two weeks, prepping the house. Heather moves in this Tuesday. Hope everyone will come and see us. We’ll be blogging communally here.

[Side note] currently reading thoughts on Citizenship, Binding, and Thinking.

Springs: verb and noun

2006-04-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

A seed.
Water.
Sun.
Photosynthesis.

A fruit.
Small.
Juicy.
Nutritious.

A cycle.

This time last year I had realized and fit into my role in abbey life: “preparing for a planting." Working new soil, taking the time to cultivate growth, learning about myself, dreaming of what might come to be.

What I was part of helping cultivate has come to “fruition.” I was merely a share cropper on another’s land, deepening my ethic and ethos. I quickly came to love the land and those within it. Now that spring has come, the oaks multiply. The grove grows.

The second full season is about to begin. This year’s garden is twice as big as last year’s. This year’s lent matured to an abbey quadruple over last year’s single. We love both. We remember the past fondly, the present we try to understand, and the future we can’t even comprehend.

So now what? The second season of Oak Grove brings fresh challenges and new possibilities. As a fruit of the Grove, Oak Springs brings a seed. A small, juicy, nutritious seed.

from Is 61,
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

this blog is lame... so is moving... for now.

2006-04-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

sorry for those blessed few of you who actually look at this blog and hope something new will be written on it. i tend to hope the same thing. so i'll post the latest.

as such, mel and i will be moving out of the abbey sometime in june probably. its quite sad even though we both new it would come at some point. amidst thoughts of leaving such an amazing house, where we will go from here is daunting. so sad to think about leaving (and others coming into your room and community).

the other hard part (that we're dealing with currently) is figuring out where we will go/ are going from here. its hard moving out of such a living situation without being called to something else specifically. we know we'd like to move to the "east side" where the culture is a bit more sociologically diverse, but the economics of the whole thing really suck.

the old rent v. buy predicament. sounds dumb, but we don't have much money. we would like to have a place big enough to carry on the monastic tradition (multiple poeple, garden, help community, and so on and so forth), but the initial cost of buying is ridiculous. and rent is still high unless you have a special arrangement like at the abbey (even then - the cost of living is a stretch made possible by God).

so - as we continue attempting ways to subvert the empire, the banks present a very real problem. they help keep the poor steeped in debt and the rich steeped in capital gains.

- a city with two hills sits in the center of a state. on each hill lives a hard-working family, though they haven't yet met. on one side mom works hard to keep the kids clothed, fed, and schooled. on the other side dad works hard to keep the kids clothed, fed, and schooled. on one side, a breath of fresh air via walking to the park is a vacation from the life's toils. on the other side, a first-class seat in the plane is a break as well as a reminder of why he works for life's spoils. back in their daily routines, the drive-thru window is a funny place for luxury car and hourly wage to greet one another in the seconds-long exchange of courteous smiles, dollars and cents. might these two hills meet again if the Kingdom were beckoned to come over and above the mortgage or rent?

is/are there anyone out there willing to promote a truly Christ-centered mode of economic policy that would allow for interest-free (or extremely low interest) loans so that people with less money could own property and thus help bridge the gap of socio-economic inequality?

hopefully you know a little bit about me and that i'm not talking about helping people achieve the "american dream." rather - Jesus vision for his perfect kingdom is rooted in the everyday lives of people. and though some have called me an "idealist," perhaps the better term would be "hope-ist" or something - hopefully imagining God's work practically played out in our daily lives.

Tom Sine talks a little bit about it in his book, Mustard Seed v. McWorld. not the greatest book, but it does have some helpful ways of considering economic "bootstrapping" that subvert the empire by allowing people to work less (without suffering economic disaster) so that they can give more time to their family community and world. sounds good to me.

this comes also as an alternative to "raising support." rather than a monthly check (though that is nice), its more of a stepping stone along the way or a "teaching someone how to fish" type of concept. viewing life as mission/missionary is difficult especially here in the "first world." so if we're going to share good news with people, some good news (amidst a world in which economics is god and financial oppression is control) would be that people following Christ can provide/fund an alternative financial reality. capitalism has helped make our country what it is today because personal happiness is the goal of the system. however when enough people aren't happy - it will come crashing down.

this could be much longer because this goes much deeper than simply me or you or us. at the root of america (and the world) lie the problems of epoch proportions that we simply want to cover up: racism, socio-economic injustice, corruption, fear, violence. when will real Christ-lovers be the ones to stand up and actually help one and other rather than simply hide behind masks of enculturated christianity? i'm struggling with how to come to grips with my own deficiencies while i groan for the personal and communal growth that we as the body of Christ have pushed off for far too long.

perhaps i have given away too much
in stories and jokes
trying to alleviate the choke
of a fire's raging smoke.
let the peace like rain come as such,
because the problem's soultions, today -
are simply a crutch.

what else can we do with $250B?

2006-03-18T11:59:00.000-06:00

the american dream has come full circle
and slammed democracy in the face.
surreal.
we're gonna fall on our face soon.
when in rome...

someone please help me

2006-03-16T19:37:00.000-06:00

does anyone have any idea what this means?

it makes me want to quit being american.

i think i'll be an internationalist or something.

tonight's slice of moon is a much-needed smile.

2006-03-02T19:07:00.000-06:00

i suppose today's contemplation centers around helplessness.

how do you help when you don't/can't do anything?

pray. pray. pray.

a body prayer.

Jesus heals and "awakes" the dead. i just can't see that happening now.

suppose, today i'll simply pray.

here was the response...

2006-02-27T16:56:00.000-06:00

after several forwards, this is the reponse i got. no refund, but i am going to call. for those who care:

Response to complaint:
Mr. Sean Henry,
During the Mardi Gras season each year the Police Department must
control the large number of pedestrians that come to the 6th St
entertainment district to celebrate. This requires the safety closure
of
streets and towing of vehicles from 6th street between Brazos and I35
and
the 500 & 600 blocks of Sabine, Red River, Neches, Trinity and San
Jacinto.
This is done for the protection of property, to allow room for the
pedestrians and room for the police to operate should the situation
require.

While the temporary NO Parking signs are smaller that the regularly
posted
signs, they were in place before 6:00am on Friday morning, they were
posted
by the Downtown Area Command officers on the Thursday night shift.
You have stated there was a sign when you went out to check on your
car. The
officers did not put up the signs after you left our car.

The temporary signs stated vehicles would be towed after 5:30 pm on
both
Friday (24th) and Saturday (25th). The streets were not going to be
closed
until 6:30 pm and that is why you were allowed to drive past the
motorcycle
officers.

The Police Department will be unable to provide you a direct refund. If
you
wish to contact the City of Austin Law Department, you may contact
Mr.Dick
Wills, an adjustor, at 974-6325.

Lt Darrell Boydston, Special Events Unit, 974-5213

-----Original Message-----
From: Jung, Michael [APD]
Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 11:56 AM
To: Boydston, Darrell [APD]
Subject: FW: apd3 - Abuse

Do you want to respond to this or do you need DTAC to do it?

Michael Jung
Commander, Downtown Area Command[Boydston, Darrell [APD]]
Austin Police Department

-----Original Message-----
From: APD PIO
Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 8:46 AM
To: Jung, Michael [APD]
Subject: FW: apd3 - Abuse

For your response please. Thanks.

Toni Chovanetz
Public Information
(512) 974-5336

-----Original Message-----
From: vernor00@yahoo.com [mailto:vernor00@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, February 24, 2006 8:01 PM
To: APD PIO
Subject: apd3 - Abuse

Date/Time Submitted: Friday, 2/24/06, 2000 hours
From: Sean Henry
E-mail address: vernor00@yahoo.com
Subject: Abuse
Comments:
To those who serve and protect -

why do cops make it so hard to like them?

2006-02-24T20:13:00.000-06:00

This is a letter I wrote to the Austin Police Department just a few minutes ago... I'll let you know if I ever get a reponse or apology.

To those who serve and protect -

Please read my whole story, before you continue on to others. Thanks in advance.

I suppose people party tonight (Feb. 24th) on 6th Street. I am not one of those people.

Tonight I simply wanted to take my wife to dinner at Dan McClusky's @301 6th Street. We passed two motorcyle policemen and parked at the restaurant at 5:45PM in the "7am-7pm 2 hr parking" area. This sign was apparently not true, for tonight.

At 7:20pm just before getting the check for the end of dinner, lights flash from a tow truck outside the restaurant. My wife brings this to my attention and to my dismay, the truck is backed up to my car. I ran outside to see what this strange commotion was all about.

7 or 8 cops were gathered around my car, 2 video cameras were taping the "action," and I inquired, "what's going on?" The response was much less than corgial from the police, "Is this your car?" "Yes," I reply. "He's gonna tow your car." "What?" I ask, completely unaware of why this would be happening.

The cop points to a small 8.5x11" white piece of paper that is 5-7 feet below the "7-7" parking sign. Apprently this small sliver of paper negates parking here after 5:30pm on this evening only. THIS SIGN WAS NOT THERE WHEN WE ARRIVED AT 5:45PM! Nor did anyone make my wife and I aware of this evening's policy, even though we passes and were passed by at least 4 motorcycle cops on 6th Street.

The fee for the police calling the tow truck for a sign that wasn't there when we parked was $25 (would have been $150 had we been towed). I didn't have the cash, so I had to use the ATM while the police looked on and laughed at the situation. They acted as if it was my fault that this happened, even though THEY DID NOT POST THE SIGN til after we parked there.

I would like a refund of my $25, please. This is an expense that fallas on the police department's shoulders for being ill-prepared and unapologetic. The APD called the tow truck, they should be required to pay the fee.

As a faithful and law-abiding Austinite, I would appreciate aid from those asked (and bound) to serve and protect rather than the exploitation and belittlement shown towards me tonight.

Please hear my honest plea for the justice you claim to uphold.

Please call when you recieve this email

Thank you for your time -

Sean Henry
(214) 679 7552
1509 Enfield
Austin TX, 78703

______________________

Sometimes you just feel screwed by the "empire" (okay, well alot of times, but even more so now).

Understanding the Truth of Coming of Age Films: lessons learned during the first night in NYC

2006-02-18T23:48:00.000-06:00

1 – This is America?
- I’ve been to other countires and felt like a foreigner. That’s normal, things work differently. Systems are similar but different. Languages are cryptic. But that’s how I feel in NYC. A strangely huge-seeming island, but people live here. This is a foreign land. And at the same time – totally “American.”
2 – I am white.
- Our taxi cab driver had a bit of an accent. We thought it might be from some island descent like Jamaica or Haiti. Never got to pleasantries to find out. When we crossed the bridge into Manhattan, we had to pay the toll. Usually the cab drivers have an EZ pass that negates this fee, but for whatever reason – this cabbie’s pass was broke. When Mel inquired about this, he got defensive, turned the station to a hip-hop song detailing the rape of “Mother Africa” by the white man’s capitalism, and then turned up the volume so we would be sure to hear it. From this musical intro, the DJ took the helm and lead the conversation to everyone’s subjectivity to white supremacy and priveledge. Had I been to NY before, perhaps I would have spoken up as I wanted to – but I didn’t want to start out my vacation in any kind of fight. I swallowed by desire to attempt an honest dialogue and apology for my whiteness, and chose instead to simply listen. It really felt like a scene from the movie Crash, in which one character jumps to wildly racist conclusions do to some prior disheartening event in his past. I simply sat amazed that my intro to NY was entrenched in the city’s racial squabbles.
3 - Everyone in NY works an angle.
- “You need a ride. I have Town Car. You come wit me. Where-eva you need go.” “No.” Man in suit says same thing to person beside us.
- Our “apartment” is owned by a “hotel” that runs its business out of the 14A apartment of the building in which we are staying. Yep, sound confusing – because it is. The gum-smacking, hip-hop lyric jamming, “wad-a-ya need?” asking receptionist sent us down to our room on the 4th floor. A bit excited and overwhelmed from the total disorientation of the “check-in” experience, we head towards our room. We enter the key into the lock, only to have the door swing open. Music. Awkward look. Proceed cautiously. Lights switches don’t work. Okay. Ah – a lamp works. Check closets, Shower curtain. Under bed. Whew. Turn off music. Return to lock door from the inside. Dishes – dirty. Towels – three, and all different colors. We did get everything the hotel said we would – nothing more, nothing less. Funny how those little ugly pictures on the wall and carpet make such a difference in how a hotel rooms feels welcoming.
- Umbrella? Fruit? Hot dog? Newspaper? Purse, Watch, Hat? Who knew one could accessorize on the way to work?

NYC – the cultural teacher. What a great trip!

choices

2006-02-13T16:44:00.000-06:00

Tis good to be encouraged by the sufferings of Christ. Not because I'm enduring those specific pains or acutal physical wounds - for I most certainly am not. Nor am I the poorest of the poor or the most loving or gentle or kind or meek individual of which Jesus says will inherit the earth. In all of these Christ and many others surpass me as well as the rest of us. But rather the cross of Christ deepens my active pursuit of him and his vision for the world to be perfected in love because I am combatting the same powers and authorities, giving the alternative love offering of Christ to those in need.

I am choosing to look myself in the eye until the tears fall down my cheeks when I'm not seeing at the world through the eyes of Christ.

Choosing to step away from the empire's illuions of grandeur purchased with the blood of classism, Jesus leads my way into the neighborhood where people - whether in want or plenty - need alternatives to the domineering, economically-driven, and politically veiled hyper-modernist social myths of american dreams, violent freedoms, bloody materialisms, justified inequalities, and terrestrial pillage. Choosing to take a slap in the face and turn the other cheek when asked if I am a middle-class American taking part in the rape and self-righteous saving of the world. Choosing to both apologize for myself and my country as the shrouded suppressor of many regions throughout the world that have yet to see the love of Christ from the nation who assigns God's name to its economic stability. Choosing to offer myself as an ambassador for a full life outside the confines of hollow religious myths or dogmatic superiority. Choosing to work and play, learn and grow, rise and fall in harmony with the all of creation. Choosing to embrace the lovely life of Christ replete with all the suffering on the behalf of a fallen world which true love seeks to set free.

Jesus as the light, illumine and guide
Jesus as the strength, sustain and uplift
Jesus as the way, to the right and the left
Towards the Kingdom We ride...

please help me flesh out this idea that i don't even have a title for yet

2006-01-22T18:52:00.000-06:00

critiques/revisions are welcome company:

I’ve been trying to catch up on my film watching these past couple weekends. Ended up getting a bit bogged down last year, so thank you rentals and a movie room to make the experience worth while. Just finished The Constant Gardener, a beautifully austere work that visually dissects action while the disjointed narrative reconfigures letters, lost lives, and libidos. Director Fernando Meirelles (City of God) creates a rustic motion picture reminiscent of a Cubist deconstruction with bits and pieces of understanding juxtaposed cryptic images that demand viewer reflection.

On a grander scale, Meirelles, along with several other directors, seems to be part of an fascinating shift in art, more specifically the motion picture. Recent films have displayed wide audience appeal despite their shocking or non-bourgeoisie subject matter like Born into Brothels, Syriana, and Motorcycle Diaries. The films seem to follow a single character and parts of his family as drawn into an increasing web social injustices. As the character becomes extracted from his family and drawn outside his typical stomping grounds, the plot thickens, yada yada yada and he becomes a hero and at times even a martyr. Besides the fact that some really decent films from the margins critique areas of modern culture, capitalism, and caste culture; many times these films are being distributed and consumed by the “bad guys” in their movies.

The Man vs. the System (that man has created) has become a dominant theme among filmmakers ready to stand on behalf of the exploited The struggle between man, nature, himself, etc. still exists, but like the rising depictions of everyday workers in everyday situations during the Middle Ages – the critique of the System gains strength as the art ceases to ignore the oppressive elephant in the room. Since the advent of the motion picture at the turn of the last century, the divide between richer and poorer has never been greater or as closer as it is at the turn of the 21st century. America the great has never been more feared or hated or power-hungry throughout the world. But where there is power, there is a critique of power.

As the classical Hollywood system continues to grow (see King Kong) so does the independent film circuit. The smaller and more marginalized now have more film festivals, websites, and small theaters for distribution than ever before. We as the audience (and increasingly – the art patrons) become caught in a very complex economic web similar to those portrayed on screen every time we watch a film. Does the latest propensity towards films with a distinct message imply a shift or simply a “shutter” in the film scene. With the world shifting towards more and more Western ideals (and thus problems), the increasing rates of change, and limitless artistic expression; the reality seems to be greater that we are riding an swelling wave of change away from traditional hegemonic American Capitalism towards localized united tribalism. Despite plenty of boom before a bust, the art of film has truly delivered a well-informed critique to a vastly uninformed, but listening audience.

Is the art of “Indihood” enough to move viewers to take real action in their world? Or will the Hollywood regime continue to numb audiences from their seats to their cars to their homes to their jobs successfully enough to dissociate them from the systemic problems of their week long enough to capture them next Friday night with the new release?

21 days later

2006-01-22T11:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I’ve wanted to blog again. I just haven’t had the wherewithal. Not even sure if that is the right term, but alas I’m blogging in the year 2006. After checking out some friends’ blogs and even talking to them (imagine that – talking to your fellow bloggers), the new year is bringing about transition for many of those with whom I feel the most of kin. Myself – a wife and future to author together. My Retro bro – an African horizon (cryptic is good). A Breather of hot air – new employment for family additions and such. The Slinger of Ink – authoring a script for new life. And on his Way – a name change to the Anthony of long ago. Along with many others, we ring in the new year with a refreshed & renewed sense of life. Though we know not exactly what lie ahead, may we claim along with the ancients “Plans to prosper and not to harm” us in whatever is next.

To keep myself exercising my fingers as opposed to simply my mind, I shall try to write a simple series of reflections on the latest seasons of growth in my life. Though not a comprehensive rope or entirely personal, hopefully the slung strands regarding aspects of missional life will be at least somewhat, half thought-out (even if not at all as insightful those counterparts aforementioned). Here’s a bit of what I’ve been chewing on:

1 – Rustic Pizza: Adult Taste Buds & an Increasingly Broadening Worldview
2 – Start Fresh, Fresh Start: Plastic Cups, Uniforms & Corporate Systems
3 – Jesus the Dishwasher: Freedom & Capitalist Castes from Calcutta to California

Perhaps a public declaration will keep me honest enough to actually incarnate the “blogs I write in my head…”

open the door

2006-01-01T01:09:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

Gettin' hitched today...

Col 3:12-17

happy.

grace and peace to you.

art

2005-12-29T23:47:00.000-06:00

if you don't know ryan & holly - they're good people and you should probably get to know them.

anyway, this painting looks pretty good in our room. thanks guys.

an advent postscript

2005-12-29T08:16:00.000-06:00

After waiting the whole year to buy Christmas gifts, the shoppers came out in full force this holiday season, bringing those various retail chains smiles and profits in a much-needed turn upward for the economy.

After waiting through the advent season, the gifts seemed to take their proper place behind the excitement of celebrating Jesus come to earth as a needed Savior of the world.

We read through Isaiah as an abbey this advent. Though the profit is brutally honest about the condition of the world and Israel, twas a good read for the season. Sitting through Isaiah’s surges of passionate fervor and eloquence pulled out many thoughts and emotions on a variety of subjects: my hurting world, Israel’s awaiting a Savior, God’s holiness as a remedy for both, the subversive power of poetry, responsibilities of oaks, and the various forms love becomes to those who are desperately in need of it.

Then there’s the Christmas story which held extra meaning for me this year in the days leading up to Jesus birth. The story of Mary and Joseph, a young couple struggling to move, prepare for a baby, not really wed, and all the hustle and bustle that gets forgotten in “Silent Night.” Their life was noisy. Joseph must have been a bit nervous and flustered and felt like a schmuck for allowing the Son of God to be born in a manger. Mary must have been at least a little frazzled as her screams of child-birth which had the beginning in the Garden were met by the tiny cry of the Savior who came to pave the Way. And it was perfect.

Millions of those same consumers picked out the proper time and place and piled into the church of their favorite style for a single Christmas Eve memorial service, singing songs and lighting candles and leaving feeling good about something (which I suppose is good?). But the season of Advent is much better than a single day or service, it is truly about acting out salvation’s call to wait for the holiness that sets us free, to be still and know that God is God.

A child born unto you. Amen.

the 29 on the 14th

2005-12-14T23:46:00.000-06:00

I will remember you today.

You stand for far more than that for which I fall.
You under-mine the authority in secrecy.
You speak radical words I don't understand personally.
You strike fear in power-filled officials.
You commune under the ism that despises it.
You shame yourselves to honor Him.
You listen to sirens at your door.
You pray more earnestly than I do here.
You sing with Paul in chains.
You wonder what comes next.
You wipe tears from your cheek.
You await release while I simply wait.
You represent millions hiding.
You echo around the world in dangerous story.

I refuse to forget you tomorrow.

4 blogs excerpts I "passively" chose not to publish. 3 weeks worth of thought-lines. 2 many people to offend. 1 mind who can trust?

2005-12-08T12:20:00.000-06:00

- “[One abbot] troubled by the growing number of cereals made available for breakfast in his community [asked] ‘How many kinds of cereals do we need in order to meet genuine health needs without falling into thoughtless consumerism?’” – from Cloister Walk

- I came downstairs tonight. I stared at my walls and furniture. This is the end of the chapter. In the next thirty days, this room will be transformed from a bachelor pad into a … duo pad? For the first time, the reality of getting married is close. Since the engagement it has seemed far off. But now with Advent here and one month to go, the up hill climb has shifted to more of a slide down the backstretch.

- So there’s been something among others lately that’s been bothering me. I liked emergent because it helped me out of the church. I liked the church because it introduced me to Jesus. I appreciate yet still have strong distaste for the categories and systems in both. I like where I think I am in monasticism.

- I popped another chocolate covered pineapple into my mouth
While the audience applauded for the speaker one last time.
Business casual is a great term for looking nicer than you really are
Though on the screen and talked about throughout the night,
Actual minorities present were few and far between.
Who’s neighborhood will the crackhouses be kicked into
once “we” kick “them” out?
Hurricane indifference blows them to the next subdivision over
Then up goes the success rate

resonating with the words (and pictures) of Vince VanGogh

2005-12-08T10:26:00.000-06:00

"The Jesuitisms of clergymen and devout ladies no longer have any hold on me now. You see, for me that God of the clergy is as dead as a doornail. But does that make me an atheist? Clergymen consider me one – so be it - but you see, I love, and how could I feel love if I were not alive myself, or if others were not alive; and if we are alive there is something wondrous about it. Now call that God or human nature or whatever you like, but there is a certain something I cannot define systematically, although it is very much alive and real, and you see, for me that something is God or as good as God…"

eyes closed and type-think-wandering

2005-11-30T23:26:00.000-06:00

There’s no line graph or 90degree door in nature. No bar from this place or that besides the natureal ebb and flow of the scenery the flowers and the underbrush that flods in on itself. There are boundaries and rules and they are followed but not like laws mire like guidelines on how to servivie in this place called a jungle or a rainfoest of the plains or the ice fields. Only in humanity do we attempt to cross unnarural boundaries and refuse to listen when natures telling us something vastly different from desire for progress. Oh the limitations of doors to gardens and walking with a maker that we restict ourselves to boardrooms and plate mat vovers in the kitchen with little doily on them bit lock the door so no one else can steal them from us. Oh to hear thae soiund of the farden once again. To feel the presence of the lord walking or just being and sitting and peacefully glistening naked in the sun , bit that hiding from the man that duck behind the tree because you realice your free not to be naked anymore buit rather to createand segregate yourself from your natural habitat – the first door closed only to be opened again when no one but the son’s Father’s knows.

Simson calls them fingers in a hand - Frost & Hirsch call them genius - But how do we use them?

2005-11-30T12:29:00.000-06:00

The evangelist tells the story you’ve never heard before.

The teacher tells a story, and if you don’t understand, he tells it in a different way.

The pastor tells his story and the story of others so you aren’t alone.

The apostle tells the story of everyone so they can work together.

The prophet tells the future of the story in metaphor, imagery and poetry.

Is church leadership merely interplay of these simple story-tellers?

Invitation. Identity. Unity. Community. Opportunity.

Anti-Evangelical?

2005-11-28T16:31:00.000-06:00

According to most churches (including the one from whence I have come) – I am not an evangelist. They tend to view evangelism as a four-step course in good news (“gospel”) and bad news. Sometimes this happens door to door and every once in a while you get to “share your faith” in some sort of “strategic conversation.” Should this lead to the end of a friendship (if it was one to begin with), that is okay because “at least they know the truth now.”

I agree with them that I am not an evangelist on their terms. I don’t even consider myself an evangelist, but the word is out there and people use it – so I’ll defend myself accordingly. I’ve worked over 1000 hours at Central Market now. I have made many friends and managed to survive on little money. I don’t necessarily like my daily tasks, my schedule or my required extroversion. But I’m working to take the “I” out…

People lead sad, crippled lives. People slink through their days clutching to any crutch they can find. People fall and look for quick pick-me-ups because that seems to be all that the world has to offer. People give up because the chaos is too much. People need Jesus.

And Jesus loves them. He healed, taught, ate with, prayed for, aligned himself with, took a stand for people sad, sickly, and sullen. Someone needs to show them love. A true love that more than tolerates and is nothing short of the agape love of the Father. The church certainly isn’t doing it. So who will? When will evangelism leave the confines of a time slot and become life’s work? Where will the church people meet real people if work, family, church, entertainment, and private time never intersect the “evangelism” program? God called Israel and Christians to the Shema – loving God through all aspects of life. Then Jesus makes sure to clarify that loving neighbors is synonymous with loving God. So where does “evangelism” fit?

Insert the “I” again. I’m trying. Trying to figure out what loving people on their own terms means. Attempting to share my whole life as an act of love. Struggling to link God’s commands to my daily routine. Hurting for my friends who swim in the depths of hopelessness. Longing for their freedom.

So yesterday when my not-yet Christian friend at work says, “I like them. They’re more like you. I mean, honest about their faith. Not evangelical.” I’ll take that to mean that I’m on the right path. That somehow my little light shines like Paul’s encouragement to the Philippians, as a star in the universe holding out the word of life.

So if the church definition don’t fit and apparently the world’s definition don’t fit, what am I?

Jesus loves people.
Jesus loves me.
I’ll love people.
Call it what you want.

born into brothels

2005-11-26T23:33:00.000-06:00

befriend.

dream.

hope.

future.

rent.

too good to miss. you owe it to yourself to see this film. the best documentary i've seen in quite some time.

apparently i fell asleep last night

2005-11-26T20:22:00.000-06:00

Today people trampled each other and got in fist fights.

The cause in some countries – food made available to the starving.

The cause in America the beautiful – shopping.

And not just shopping but shopping on credit. Attempting to get what one perceives as a need to make them happy so they can live the life that they see on that TV they just bought.

People lined up waiting for the chance to spend and facilitate capitalism and try to make themselves satisfied with stuff. Daily ritual for the next month to participate in the American tradition of consumerism.

At some point, the fact that the consumer supposedly drives the market is not a good thing. This perceived power creates am economic rather than social system that caters to individualism rather than the social good of the neighborhood, society, or environment.

This completely contradicts the natural systems that came before us and from which we have kllkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkklkkk
kklllllllllkllllllllllllllllllllllllllkkkllllllllllkklllllllllllllllllllklllllllllllllllll
llkllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkllllllllllllllllllllllllklllllllllllllllllllklllllllllllllllllllllllkklllllllllllllllllllllllllkllllllllllllllllllllllllkllllllllllkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Free-

2005-11-16T10:40:00.000-06:00

Dom
There’s more than lines here
A breathe of air
Fresh and new
Ready meet and greet me and you with a resounding joy that we’re too deaf to hear
Tear
Reminds me of being young again, adults aren’t supposed to cry
But here I’m brought back to my own child-like memory
When wagons of red take you to places of gold
No one foretold you that place or this one is wrong –
I need a wagon train to lead me out of the sphere of thought that closes around my
Word cloistered closet
Thank you Kathleen for reminding me
Those cloaked clothes fit amidst
Honesty
Paintings float
Pictures dance through my frontal lobe
Prance on tapdancer toe to ground
They pound my brain for release when too deaf to hear
The cradles rocking and mom’s not coming to help
Just fall out and you’ll be fine
You won’t hit the floor. Your feet will catch you on your way out the door
That red-yellow make green glass window lighting your shoulder blades
As they pump towards the westward wind
Grace
A funny place to stand
Or sit if you’d like
Given the chance – make ammends
To your constitutional intuitional
Certitude left at that window
And all that’s right be the light flourish
Warm
2+2 can = 5
infinity meet humanity

african bond

2005-11-10T08:19:00.000-06:00

for those of you who don't know. my younger brother paul is in africa working with an indigenious organization called African Renewal Ministries. he spends a lot of time loving children in orphanages and helping the ministry's organizational infrastructure.

my heart feels an unusually close bond with him lately, though he is so far away. bonhoeffer says that praying for Christian brothers in their absense brings you even closer than being with them. perhaps i agree after now experiencing this distance and closeness at the same time.

children of the night

this is a short picture narrative about the lives of some of the ugandan children that may put faces on prayers and link stories with sentiments.

you are loved, my brother. Christ guide you, protect you and bring you home rejoicing...

Watching the boy gaze towards manhood

2005-11-09T00:47:00.000-06:00

Awkwardly small pants and t shirts rule. Cultural aloofness reigns. And Tuesday night is just another partytime if you’re a budding adolescent.

After a six song primary gig, Tacks the boy disaster confidently left the stage aware that their own creativity had a long way to go. “Progression” into the coffee house proved their ability to carve a niche in the indie scene though it was plagued with less than adequate sound and not stage. Tacks took the stage in their third performance, proving a more delicate, reserved, comfortable has nothing to prove. Morphing to fit the mood of the evening or simply becoming more comfortable in their own growing skin, the band seems relaxed laid back and ready for a full tour.

Tackling a tough crowd after a couple of single shooting opening acts that left those in the pews longing for melody, Tacks showed up in rare form. Just their third show proved the maturing band truly has potential for a very bright future. Poised and undulating underground pop piano licks, a strongly simply bass, grinning guitar power, and pulsating rhythmic action from the kit left the audience “dying to know” more of the secrets the band’s young face.

A long way to go but getting there quickly, the band’s adolescence did shine through during “Paris.” However, the quirky surrealistic lyrics keep listeners guessing which fish may be mentioned next or if Friday night (or Tuesday for that matter) will ever be the same after this band's poise. So much so that the audience didn’t seem to mind too much at all when the “cursed machinery” broke a string only to come back to roaring applause during the climax of the song.

A fully integrated show of friendly proportions, leaving fans both old and new waiting for the boy to return to the stage again.

Suits. Soda. Dogs. Where will Tacks grow from here?

just a kid and a car

2005-11-03T11:16:00.000-06:00

I-35 facilitates flowing thinking
like strong drinking caresses words from the tongue
a white boy, a blue two-door, & yellow lines
a contemplative, a setting, & guides

Jonathan Edwards wrote himself notes while to and fro on his horse
Me too – minus horse and a lot of smarts

Sometimes I bet Jesus would have liked a car
AC and a chance to get a way
A head clearing jaunt
maybe Damascus Rd. would require a truck though

yesterday's prayer today

2005-11-02T08:06:00.000-06:00

11.01.05

Guide me in how to speak and what to say and when not to speak it.

From this lone star epicenter, I sit and wait for you to speak clearly with guiding hand. Footprints deep to glory in.

To where shall I go and why shall I get there – how?

Then, even a cripple can speak. It’s walking that’s hard - here. But I want to get somewhere beyond these words and images, thoughts of what could and should be - art. Pour in the light on this sacred fuzzy path towards who I am to become – Jesus.

Look to the right o’ this lonesome word to be defined on Holy page.
The left needs looking after: food shelter, hug.
Above your pages wars with men and health.
Below your binding tired eyes adapt to darkness.

Quickly the sickly
Disguise grace as racial
Equities in handouts
Option-out of responsibility

The sickly page-stuck
Theologic mind-funk
Remove reading glasses
To wipe tired eyes

Not the blind eyes
Dying for life
On either side
Of black-white words

That simple step back
Widened-lenses
Focus as central
Not book, simply a look
A learn
A listen
A step towards
Those huddled under
Pale lights, questioning - gasping
for Air

"F"

2005-10-28T10:17:00.000-05:00

Foolishness: “Surely now all traditional forms of kingship, of political rule, stand exposed and condemned before the kingship that is exercised in the cross.”

Some would say I’m feeding myself propaganda. Some would say idealism is ridiculous, that we should settle for what we can get based on systemic problems. Some would say go to church and vote republican. Some would say give up. Some would say take your place in the line, because you’re going to die like everyone else. Some would say Jesus was just another one of those guys who tried to change things, but it didn’t matter – he was killed by the man.

Father: “I believe in my heart…”

That some things are worth fighting for… that most of them seem ridiculous, at first… that I refuse to give up what I believe in… that truth is the bread of life…that the marginalized have a lot to say, especially about the skewed view from the center… that there’s more to me and you and our world than simply getting by… that me and you and that world need love…

Fight: “I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”
“What? In the face?”
“Surprise me.”

Evangelicals. Iraq. Suburbia. Skinny pot-bellies. Romero. Heroin. Red power ties. Relativity. Hegemony. Perspective. Fair trade. People trade. HIV. McWorld. Science. Consumerism. Superhighway. Poetry. Enlightenment. Colonialism. Imperial stout. Taxation. Homosexuality. News. Gas. Farmers. Hellenization. Gothic arches. Volkswagen. Ronald Reagan. Iron Curtain. Celts. Subways. Hell. Pink clouds.

Franklin: “Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.”

An individual who cares to change himself and his small sphere, living in a community that cares to perfect one another and their city, participating with others seeking to better themselves and their worlds: criticizing, releasing, proclaiming, energizing…

familial sentiments

2005-10-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

My mom would hug almost everyone that came into our house when I was kid. Even my friends who had no desire to be hugged and just stood there and got squeezed. My brothers and I always had people over to our house growing up. My dad, though certainly not a hugger, did enjoy being able to provide for a house the people would want to frequent. My friends seemed to enjoy coming over, but my house certainly wasn’t of the keg-throwing party while mom and dad are gone types. Seems like my parents were involved in most things at my house.

The more I think back on it and my experiences in the homes of others, this wasn’t/isn’t that normal. Why did my friends seem to enjoy coming over and playing pool and in the pool and spending the night watching movies, all with my parents not too far away? The only thing that seems to make sense is that my parents loved having people over. But even more than that – they wanted to love the people that came over.

My parents love each other and my brothers very much. This is more than I can say for most of my friends’ experiences growing up in broken homes, houses without any discipline, or total family wrecks. They practically modeled love to me and my friends just about all the time, seeking to serve and be open for hurts and pains, throwing parties and approving of their children’s generally well-mannered social lives. It wasn’t an effort at showing off, nor could me or any of my friends point to it as such. But looking back – love is most certainly what it was/is.

Maybe my inclination and desire to live in a familial community where we throw parties, dine and pray together, look out for one another, enjoy the differences among our friends and attempt to look out for the downtrodden of society stems from the seed of familial beauty in which I grew up as a child. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t always, necessarily like my parents who fought and grounded us and misunderstood our teenage needs. But – it is very true that all of those aspects make a family stronger, not weaker. Covering up the faults reveals the hypocrisy. Never did my family attempt hypocrisy.

The past few months, my roommates have come to feel like family. We eat together, get on each others’ nerves sometimes, have people over, chill out on the deck, are awoken by one another, share struggle and encouragement. This bond serves not only us, but also our Austin-wide, neighborhood web of friends and acquaintances. We all agree that being a family seems to be most similar sense of “relatedness” Jesus talks about as it harkens back to the tribes of Israel. We take part in the small blessing of family together as brothers and sisters in Christ, not for ourselves – but for the mending of a broken world. So much of the world doesn’t understand the family – God’s blessing to us. So it is no surprise that people don’t understand what we do here, and are yet are still drawn to it – to Christ.

Hugging the world, one child at a time. Thanks for the legacy mom and dad.

today in no order (besides chronological)

2005-10-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

- prayed at 6:30 with abbey-dwellers; always a pleasure (especially after several 6am shifts)

- rolled silverware; a new-found delight for my contemplation (especially after rude customers)

- talked about relationships; another aspect of my ministry to women

- conversed under the trees; a chance to share some of my story

- walked around town lake; a good exercise after standing all day (especially with the abbey-couch-dweller/stealer)

- dined with seven; a french meal for remembrance

- you and me and everyone we know; a highly-recommended, chance pick flick from mel

- blogged for the first time in a while; a cloudy mind clearing once again

- sleep, keep, deep - in thine hands tonight.

a new Catholic mass

2005-10-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

What’s weird about a monastic community in the middle of a city?

People seem to think of it as strange and cultish. People see it as a mysterious ancient tradition that they don’t understand. People imagine it as communal, hippie hemp-wearing phenomena. People view it as foreign and cryptic. People judge it…

Until they are invited into it.

Into: asked to participate, rather than simply look on/judge
It: communal rhythm

What’s weird about it is how much this little community has to say about God to the society at large. Christian and not-yet-Christian alike seem to affirm (once participating slightly in our commonality) both in speech and participation that communal life breeds encouragement, challenge, acceptance, and respect for all those involved. The communal life of believers inherently seeks to share and reciprocate itself to everyone, regardless of creed or breed because it is based on the infinite love of God. This boundry-less love flows beyond borders of insider-outsider, nourishing the cracks between us-them.

Maybe what is so weird about communal life lies in the fact that the love of God pulls us together, rather than apart. Maybe what makes a community devoted to God and each other so foreign is the fact that it subverts our natural tendencies towards the selfish love. Maybe what makes our community so weird is God himself, unashamedly present in each of us individually and communally.

What’s so weird about God-fearing people loving holistically?

Newton’s law of gravity says that a larger mass draws a smaller mass to itself. But we still don't know why. So how can this little mass of community cause such a stir, such controversy. Perhaps the why is better explained in a world of possibility - a love that manifests the possibility to imagine. To imagine a renewed future in the present. Just because you don’t like the mass or can't explain it doesn’t mean you won’t be affected by it – or drawn towards it - or just plain sucked in.

What's so weird is maybe this city really could be a blackhole.

"postmodern" "modern"

2005-09-29T17:22:00.000-05:00

"The most important resistance to this evangelical counter imagination does not come from militantsecularists. It comes from well-intentioned believers who are infected with modernity. It comes from the pastor's own sinking sense that none of this is true." - Walter Brueggemann

"Initial reports indicate God is working mightily!" - E.Free Pastor

barren weekdays

2005-09-25T12:19:00.000-05:00

so oft doth the AC run
whilst no one come
‘cept modern clergy
‘corporated.
planning to plan
the next meetings,
percentagizing the few
percent dying in pew.
outside, no glory found
tabernacle-infused grace
gets misplaced within walls
willfully flounder funds.
thousands come weekly
pouring into
singing sitting listening
a couple of hours.
And out.
Out to where?
Where doth thou send?
Where’s the psalm sung?
free’d old, young jubilee’d
to leave…
the walls behind
time-tithe to tribes
across east-west lines
no crime to liven
cracked craving crazy
social negations -
not barren weekdays.
not more mount-sermon delays.
not more congregation.
revive local location.
rejuv-a-nation -
today.

on vocation

2005-09-13T17:41:00.000-05:00

i'm not one for big goals, as if trying to achieve something particular. rather - i'd hope that at some point along my journey of life, people regard me as even somewhat close to even something similar to this Christ-like description of St. Francis:

"...he was an Apostle who incarnated the whole spirit and message of the Gospels most perfectly. Merely to know St. Francis is to understand the Gospel, and to follow him in his true, integral spirit, is to live the Gospel in all its fullness...

St Thomas's phrase 'comtemplata aliia tradere' (to share with others the fruit of contemplation) is not properly understood unless we have in mind the image of a St. Francis walking the roads of medieval Italy, overflowing with the joy of a message that could only be communicated to him directly by the Spirit of God.

The wisdom and the salvation preached by Francis were not only the overflow of the highest kind of contemplative life, but they were quite simply the expression of the fullness of the Christian Spitit - that is to say of the Holy Spirit of God."

- No Man is an Island, 1955

contemplata aliis tradere: edible fruit of the contemplative Spirit

all a part of the fuzzy blanket

2005-09-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

So many thoughts are running around my head these days. Here’s just a few. Bear with me, I’m too young and scattered to even finish them:

- Love: from Thomas Merton, “Love seeks only one thing: the good of the one loved. It leaves all other secondary effects to care for themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.”

- Misunderstood; Though they know I’m a Christ-follower (not fully sure what that means to them, but I think I’m helping them understand it better), most of my “not yet Christian” friends think I’m “zen’d out” or just plain “weird” or “civilized” or “religious.” Though they know I’m a Christ-follower (maybe not exactly of the persuasion to which they’ve become accustomed), most of my “Christian” friends think I’m “weird” or “in a cult” or “outside of the box.” It’s hard to live a missionary lifestyle when people on either side of the eternity coin don’t understand how much you love them and want to show them the way of Jesus.

- Story; “I don’t want to die without any scars,” says Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Sadly we’ve all got more scars than we can count, but for the most part they’re just emotional. As such, its easier to do our best to forget them. I don’t want to die without any stories. Retelling our stories heals our wounds while we allow our vulnerable selves to shine though. Not only the sad stories, but the happy tales, the accounts of dangerous memories propel us forward as groups, not simply individuals. Everyone’s got a story to tell, and they want to be honest. Everyone’s got a story they want to tell, but we must be ready to listen. Everyone’s got a story to tell, so pull up a chair, lend them an ear, then tell one of your own.

- Community; Living with people in the manner of Jesus is neither easy nor required, though it is recommended. See the Bible for more reasons why God gave us each other. Learning to love others despite personal differences perfects the problems in "us" and releases love towards "them."

- Hope; Besides hope in a future Messiah or a Christmas message, I don’t ever remember hearing a sermon on hope. Perhaps the most amazing observation at CM thus far is that people want hope. They need hope. Not just hope in the future because most people don’t seem to care if they’re going to hell. They want a hope that gets them through the day - something that makes this world not seem so “f****d up.” Somehow, incarnating the life of Christ and sympathizing with the struggles of others and allowing them to share in mine gives people hope that their life will be ok. It gives light to the seed of faith; makes the sun worth waking up for. An unadulterated love poured out tangibly that makes every minute of the gamut between suffering and satisfaction worth living: hope.

That's all I got time for... for now.

night light

2005-09-01T17:14:00.000-05:00

Before setting, the deep orange sun softly and quietly passed the reins to the candle upon the table. Wee but mighty, it handled the situation magnificently, providing just enough light to separate the subtle curves in her face from the winding elm backdrop.

Breaking for a spell between the duck and a bit more filet mignon, she looked up, stared beyond my eyes. The sparkle of the candle, a hint of the light welling up within each of us. She, a lady in waiting. Me, a man preparing.

Blue flames shot up while the cherries jubilantly anticipated their union with the cheesecake. Smiles, reaching down from that well within, leapt from our faces as our eyes met once again. More than simply glances, this time words, words flowing freely – an attempt at expressing some, though never able to tell all.

Buckling in the wind between our rapidly approaching souls, the flame held strong. Brilliant shimmering on her face, reflecting a stone as strong as the love that binds us – together. She said yes.

Lessons from bits of chewed hamburger. Plates of pasta. Used napkins. Spilt Hibiscus Mint Tea.

2005-08-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

Humility can not be divorced from service. So often in our heart of hearts when we “serve” others, we enjoy both the praise of both those we help and the envy of those onlookers who wish they were helping. But when we’re truly willing to do the jobs that no one else in the room wants to – whether that be bussing tables, hugging sweaty kids, cleaning various wastes, whatever anyone else does not want to spend their day doing – we participate in and complete Jesus life on earth. As he stooped to wash the feet of the disciples, he both humbled himself and lifted up those around him. When Peter decided that he should not have his feet washed, Jesus quickly reprimanded him. No one else in that room could serve those around him so purely as Christ himself

When we take off our outer garment of selfishness, we can be freed to release the power of Jesus to humbly serve when no one else wills or wants to because we do so as an act of love towards God by loving his people.

13...

2005-08-17T18:15:00.000-05:00

The time, in months, it took me to "read through the Bible in a year," from Genesis to Revelation in chronological order.

I learned a ton about the creation (the setting) and seperation (the conflict) and Israel, kings, convenants, wars, prophets, temples, miracles, controversies, cultures (the characters & rising action) and how God remains faithful amidst it all. To be honest, there's really too much to even think about writing in a single, pithy blog. But - more than anything else - i mean if I really had to sum it all up - I suppose this is what this first read through the Bible has helped me re-experience the most:

Jesus lived & lives (the climax).

Seriously. Despite all of the crap man is and does, God never ceases throughout the scriptures to love unconditionally. After trudging through the OT, Jesus lineage was exciting for the first time. Listening to his family line, wrought with human frailty, magnificently build up to that point in history where God himself humbly came to earth to save his creation. He became an ant to save ants. He exemplified love daily in ways we as people had never known. He made sense of everything prior and fuels the everything after. He walked among us. He wants us to do the same (the falling action) until He returns again (the divine resolution).

Next time I'd like to read/listen to God's story aloud from the Message. That might begin on the first day of the new year if anyone is interested.

cheers to rationality

2005-08-14T00:18:00.000-05:00

geometry never ceases to tickle that specific portion of my brain (i think its somewhere over the corpus callosum) that delights in the natural mathematics of shape. bisecting angles might be one of the more fun ways to spend an afternoon. Just a protractor, paper, pencil and my noggin. when life is chaotic or doesn't make sense, at least there's geometry to keep the world balanced.

sliver

2005-08-13T18:12:00.000-05:00

The streetlamp meandering through the trees illumined a one-inch wide facial sliver, flowing from hair to chin. As he swayed back and forth from his perch upon on the stairs, the yellow sliver slid from side to side, just passed the ear across high cheek bones, deep into eye sockets and along to tip of the nose. Pitted against the black shadows covering the rest of his face, a spark glistened off the curvature of his eyeball. That single, coming-going radiance swaying to and fro amidst darkness echoes the soul’s expectant yearning for a brighter day.